If you're a hipster, you won't be reading this. But if you are it's purely ironic.

You may have noticed a new breed of humans have been discovered. They've always been there...hiding... lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the most ironic time to appear. But only the current cultural climate has been beneficial to their unique life styles. You may call them Hipsters. But they call themselves individuals. And with this individualistic life comes a very individualistic style. However it is not as individualized as these hipsters think, since they all tend to dress alike and, well, are hipsters. However, they will never argue this point with you, because they will never admit to being a hipster. We have to give props to these hipsters who refuse to be hipsters, even though there is really no other way to define them. They have awesome style. And if we were hipsters, which we are not unfortunately, we would be the most fashionable hipsters there were. But we wouldn't brag about it, because we were hipsters, and therefore, not hipsters.

Now the real issue is, the wanna-be hipsters. First of all....


you look ridiculous.
Second, because you are trying to copy the hipster style and be a hipster, you are not one. Hipsters are born, not made. 

Baby, I was born this way. But that's not a Lady Gaga reference. You just wouldn't understand.

We first want to talk about the ridiculously over sized glasses. These are such things.  These are the glasses that your parents wore and hated every minute of them. However, now they are being worn ironically. Except for the wanna be hipsters. Who think that these glasses are not ironic, but actually cool. And this is where we start to have some issues with the wanna be hipster fashion.

If you are wearing these to be cute, we're guessing you're not a hipster.

Another big problem the Fashion Police has spotted, is that of floral prints. Now, floral prints are in fashion right now. And most people can pull off the look of small floral prints. But some people refuse to just stick with the small print. Apparently they feel the need to dress up like their great grandma's curtains and walk around. Although hipsters can pull this look off, it's simply because they wear the clothes ironically. But most of the people we see walking around campus with gargantuan floraled  prints all over their bodies are not wearing them ironically. We can tell, you see, because they don't have the air of scorn and utter disregard for those who just wouldn't understand. So if you walk out of your house thinking you look cute in your gigantic chrysanthemum shirt, you probably should turn around, walk right back through that door and put something else on. LIke a good neighbor, Fashion Police is there. And really we will be there. Even if you don't want us to. We will sit on your door step and tell you to turn around and just put that thing back where it came from or so help me... us... whatever, we're trying to reference something. You wouldn't understand.

See? Even she has enough sense to not wear a floral shirt. Of course she's not wearing any shirt. But disregard that fact.

Lastly, we are going to compare hipsters with bacteria. This is your lesson of biology for the day. If you choose to you can count it as your studying for you final as well. Except it doesn't count for English, only science classes. Okay. Like bacteria, hipters need a certain environment for optimal growth and viability. Bacteria like to grow in warm, moist places. Hipsters fare best in ....New York. Last time we checked, Cedar City is nothing like New York. But I've heard Salt Lake looks a lot like Washington D.C. ... except it doesn't. So maybe they don't grow well there either. Anyways. If you are a hipster, here in Cedar City, way to be. If you think you are a hipster, here, in Cedar City. You are not. So stop wearing the ugly shirts, the suspenders and your mom's old glasses. You'll just never understand.... the ways of the Hipster.

"If you try to be a hipster, you're a total frado. And that is so not deck."- Lt. Grunge
"Next time I see a pair of suspenders on a Hipster-scum, I'm going to snap them so hard their oversized tortoiseshell glasses fall off."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"You know you're a hipster if, after reading this post, you sigh and say 'You just don't understand!" " -Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Cheif Glamzilla

Doctor Doctor! Tell Me the News! Why are these Men all Dressing Like "Foos"?!

Dear men. There are two classes of drag queens. There are those who know that they are one, and who proudly flaunt that fact. And there are those who don't know they are. As much we love the first group of drag queens, this post is directed to the second group. We would say "you know who you are". But truthfully you don't. 
We're going to help you diagnose yourself if you happen to have the cronic disease of pseudodragqueenosis. You won't realize that you have this disease until we start laying out the symptoms for you. So you might sit down and take a deep breath, just in case you have it.

The first symptom of pseudodragqueenosis is that you feel absolutely nothing like a drag queen. You in fact, may feel like you are a "gangsta" and walk around with your "swagga on" and be yellin to all yo homies "what up home slice!?" while you wave that pimp hand around.

This is the priliminary stage of the disease...

The second symptom is that you seem to believe that every increase in the size of your clothing gives you more street cred. So at the large size of shirt you're only a street noobie. But with the XXXL shirt you transform into a "mod". Also, we learned all of these gamer terms from playing Call of Duty. Be proud. We thought it would help in man department, because apparently the gym rats aren't affected by our copious amounts of glamour we displayed outside of the workout room. So naturally we decided to go online... behind the screens. They can tell how fashionable we are by our stunning avatar apparel. Unfortunately most of the "men" online are twelve years old, and here at the fashion police we frown upon statutory rape. So tune in for our continuing coverage of our romantic escapades... or lack thereof.

anyways...

back to the second symptom....

The macho clothing, and extremely long shirts have been named by yours truly as the "mess". This is also known as... the Man-dress. We like to use mess for short because 1. you look like a mess... and 2. well... you look like you're wearing an extremely ugly dress, that does not help your figure at all...

but if you did wear a belt.... you could totally bring out that waist....

The final symptom of pseudodragqueeniosis is as follows. You being to participate in what we commonly refer to as the "backward hitch." This requires you to jump, while pulling the back of your pants up to a more comfortable level. Generally this takes a lot of effort and skill, so we commend you in learning the technique. Maybe you could try out for the track and field team, since your calf muscles are oh so wonderfully toned from all that jumping. Not that we can see them through your baggy pants. And the fact that you happen to be in a dress. Oh... excuse us. We mean mess.

If you find you have these three symptoms, you may have pseudodragqueenosis. Which means that to you, you look like you're a gangsta. But to the rest of us who know better, you look like you're wearing a dress, and just don't know how to accesorize. You also look like you've shrunk (which we don't think is any man's desire.) because your "dress/mess" cuts you off at such a weird place on your legs. The horrible disease is, in fact, turning you into a stumpy version of what you once were. So please if you find you have pseudodragqueenosis, contract your nearest store... to buy different clothes, so you don't look like a foolish poser.

Thank you for you time. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friendly neighborhood Fashion Police.

"You'll be amazed at how much your swagga will improve when your clothes actually fit!"- Chief Glamzilla
"The best way to prevent pseudodragqueenosis is abstinence. Abstinence from buying horribly deformed oversized clothing."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"I'm starting a new charity. It's called the Wangsta Fund. Together we can combat this horrible disease. Together we can win... If you wish to make a donation please contact us on our Facebook page. Any little bit helps."- Lt. Grunge

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not!-

Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants
Lt. Grunge