Doctor Doctor! Tell Me the News! Why are these Men all Dressing Like "Foos"?!

Dear men. There are two classes of drag queens. There are those who know that they are one, and who proudly flaunt that fact. And there are those who don't know they are. As much we love the first group of drag queens, this post is directed to the second group. We would say "you know who you are". But truthfully you don't. 
We're going to help you diagnose yourself if you happen to have the cronic disease of pseudodragqueenosis. You won't realize that you have this disease until we start laying out the symptoms for you. So you might sit down and take a deep breath, just in case you have it.

The first symptom of pseudodragqueenosis is that you feel absolutely nothing like a drag queen. You in fact, may feel like you are a "gangsta" and walk around with your "swagga on" and be yellin to all yo homies "what up home slice!?" while you wave that pimp hand around.

This is the priliminary stage of the disease...

The second symptom is that you seem to believe that every increase in the size of your clothing gives you more street cred. So at the large size of shirt you're only a street noobie. But with the XXXL shirt you transform into a "mod". Also, we learned all of these gamer terms from playing Call of Duty. Be proud. We thought it would help in man department, because apparently the gym rats aren't affected by our copious amounts of glamour we displayed outside of the workout room. So naturally we decided to go online... behind the screens. They can tell how fashionable we are by our stunning avatar apparel. Unfortunately most of the "men" online are twelve years old, and here at the fashion police we frown upon statutory rape. So tune in for our continuing coverage of our romantic escapades... or lack thereof.

anyways...

back to the second symptom....

The macho clothing, and extremely long shirts have been named by yours truly as the "mess". This is also known as... the Man-dress. We like to use mess for short because 1. you look like a mess... and 2. well... you look like you're wearing an extremely ugly dress, that does not help your figure at all...

but if you did wear a belt.... you could totally bring out that waist....

The final symptom of pseudodragqueeniosis is as follows. You being to participate in what we commonly refer to as the "backward hitch." This requires you to jump, while pulling the back of your pants up to a more comfortable level. Generally this takes a lot of effort and skill, so we commend you in learning the technique. Maybe you could try out for the track and field team, since your calf muscles are oh so wonderfully toned from all that jumping. Not that we can see them through your baggy pants. And the fact that you happen to be in a dress. Oh... excuse us. We mean mess.

If you find you have these three symptoms, you may have pseudodragqueenosis. Which means that to you, you look like you're a gangsta. But to the rest of us who know better, you look like you're wearing a dress, and just don't know how to accesorize. You also look like you've shrunk (which we don't think is any man's desire.) because your "dress/mess" cuts you off at such a weird place on your legs. The horrible disease is, in fact, turning you into a stumpy version of what you once were. So please if you find you have pseudodragqueenosis, contract your nearest store... to buy different clothes, so you don't look like a foolish poser.

Thank you for you time. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friendly neighborhood Fashion Police.

"You'll be amazed at how much your swagga will improve when your clothes actually fit!"- Chief Glamzilla
"The best way to prevent pseudodragqueenosis is abstinence. Abstinence from buying horribly deformed oversized clothing."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"I'm starting a new charity. It's called the Wangsta Fund. Together we can combat this horrible disease. Together we can win... If you wish to make a donation please contact us on our Facebook page. Any little bit helps."- Lt. Grunge

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not!-

Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants
Lt. Grunge