Don't Scoff at the Scarf.

There comes a time in everyones life when they need the talk... you know which one we're talking about. It's vitally important. And we as your Fashion Police have decided it's high time you as our readers hear it. Honestly we don't know how you made it to college without hearing it. By this point we're sure you've made many a mistake, and hopefully this post will help you rectify some of them. We are, of course, talking about scarfs and the famous scarf talk. Why? What did you think we were talking about? Boys? Boys wear scarfs too! Also, we are apparently helpless on the boy situation, so taking any advice from us would probably result in a lifetime full of disaster dates. And getting your kicks watching amature but attractive men play volleyball. Apparently we need to stick to the weight room. We get much better results...
Anyway. Back to the scarf talk. We're going to educate you on the finer points of scarf wearing. Here are some of our most cherished tips.
First, not all scarfs are created equal.
Yes. Different weaves are for different seasons. This means, when it is 105 degrees outside, don't wear your flannel scarf. Unless that's all your planning on wearing. Then you shouldn't go outside at all. Also you and the fashion police should probably sit down and have a little chat about what happens when you go around nude. Bad things friends... bad things.... Of course. We're not talking from experience here.... *cough* Glamzilla *cough*. We're just all knowing. ( Of course. Thats the only way anyone gets on the internet these days, right?) We're kinda like God. Only for Cedar City. And fashion. And we don't like make planets and universes in seven days. And for all you Atheists out there, just think of us as the flying spaghetti monster for fashion advice.




Imagine this... except times three. And we've covered our meatballs.


Back to the first rule. The lighter scarfs, are for summer days and that's when you should wear them. Just go by this rule: if your face looks like a tomato, you've  sweated out most of your body weight and you get light headed as you walk up the stairs as the centrum, maybe you should go with a lighter scarf... and save that one for winter.
 The second piece of advice we have for you about scarfs is how to tie your wonderful, appropriate, accessory.
For men, there are three ways you can tie your scarf. The first way is the easiest. This is for all you lazy men. You simply drape it around your shoulders. Then you need to make sure that your scarf doesn't out-proportion your face. You don't want to look like you have shoulder pads. Mostly because football season is almost over... and football players don't actually wear scarfs. That would be a huge disadvantage on the field!
The second is the v throw. This also doesn't require any tying. Also, for you hipsters out there, this provides a quick and easy v-neck... without having to cut your shirt. Which has happened before.
The third way is just looping it once in front of your chest. Too many loops and you look like you've been making a noose and you forgot to take it off before going to class. You are not in the boy scouts anymore. It doesn't matter how many knots you know how to tie, we promise you won't get any merit badges for it.

"Hey George! Why are we parading all these knotted ropes around?"
"Cuz girls love my knot tying skills... this should get us some luck.. Right?"

For women ... you can tie your scarf many different ways. Let's start basic. DON'T under any circumstances, tie your scarf in a bow. No. NO. You are not from the 1700's, and not a man. So don't even think about it. It's not cute, or fashionable. So don't do it. Also, don't wear your scarf as a shirt. It's not a shirt, its a scarf. It's an accessory. It should accentuate your shirt. Or provide color. Not be all you're wearing. Also, don't wrap your scarf around your neck too many times. We at the fashion police don't want to see any homemade turtle necks. Because really, you shouldn't be wearing turtlenecks and scarfs at the same time. In fact we would have to rename the turtle neck to the elephant neck. And we don't want that. And you don't either, so don't do it.

It's like this. But less cute. Actually without the adorable stuffed elephants as well. So in fact, it's nothing like this. It's too gruesome to put a picture up. You can thank us later.

Our final rule is fairly simple. There are different cuts of scarf. There are square scarfs which go better in a v shape around your neck. There are straight scarfs which look better draped or knotted. And there are triangle scarfs which also are good for a v shape, or you can wear it backwards and be little red riding hood. But we wouldn't really reccomend this. We're just saying you could if you wanted to, and had nothing else to do.
So here are our amazing bits of advice from your all powerful, all knowing, all spaghetti sauce Fashion Police. Treat them with care. Read them daily. Always remember to respect the scarf. And us of course. We accept respect in many forms. LIke money. And dates.
Until next time... ramen. (That's how us spaghetti monsters say amen.)

"Too bad... when I was ready to tie the knot, George wasn't. Now all that's left is a pile of meaningless knots."- Chief Glamzilla
"Scarfs are a good way to hide hickeys."- Lt. Grunge
"Lt. Grunge.... how do you know that?! Do we need to have another important talk? No not the scarf talk. The other talk...?"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Chief Glamzilla
Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants

Polka Don'ts!

As we were doing our weekly "research" on what's up and coming for fashion trends this fall, and of course stalking all of you on Facebook (It's because we CARE okay!? And if you're not our friend anymore obviously it's because you're not up to par with our expectations. Luckily, we have pretty low expectations. So that's why we've attempted to add pretty much everyone we can. Also because we wish there were a male fashion police. We are STILL taking applications.) we stumbled across polka dots. We, being the scholarly policewomen we are, wanted to research further, so we hopped on the earliest flight from the Cedar City airport.We actually weren't even sure where we were going, we just knew it was somewhere in Europe. (Also don't try this at home kids. And don't try to see where we went. Because it might become extremely apparent that we're making this whole story up and got all of our information on Wikipedia. But you don't know that. We have proof we went on this trip. PROOF we tell you!)  So, as we flew across the Alps our plane started to crash. Which was probably due to engine failure. Or the fact that we told the pilot that we wanted to go to Boston and he didn't have enough fuel. Either one. Anyways the point is we crashed. It doesn't matter why. We landed in the mountains, which we assumed were the Alps, (Because those are mountains in Europe, right?) but we became a bit doubtful that we were in Europe when we happened upon a pack of crazed mountain lions (You're welcome Timothy) that we had to fight off with our bare hands... and machine guns.

 Which we consider to be our hands.

 

After the mountain lions were annihilated, we continued onward on our quest to find polka dots. When lo and behold, what did we find? A polka dancer! Which puts us back in Europe right? We thought so too. Anyways the polka dancer was close but no cigar. He would have helped us... but he had other things to do. Apparently.

I'm auf to Frankfurt. For ze  vorld famous fashion veek. You'll see me on ze runway. 

So we were on our own. So far our treasure quest for polka dots had given us little more than a few cougar pelts to add to our growing collection in our apartment. So we decided to use our expert stalking skills... we mean fashion police skills, to follow the polka dancer, who happened to be named Dan, to his fashion shoot. Here we found that the fashion of polka dots, actually came from the dance! Mostly because people started wearing the fashion around the same time the dance started to become popular, and apparently Bohemian fashion experts had little to no creative ability. If we were them we would call them something better. Like super spots! Actually the more we think about this, we can't think of a creative name for them either. So we guess the best way to name the craze was to take the easy way out and name it after your favorite dance move.

We can do it too! See? Those are Dougie Petals! HA.

After watching Dan's sexy fashion show, we realized that polka dots are going to be "popping up" in trends this fall. Because if it's in Frankfurt's fashion veek, it's going to be everyvere! (Just so you know...Ve are writing all of this talking this in German accents... because it iz uuber fun!) So ve decided to make some rules about polka dotting yourself.
Let's first talk about ze sizes. Ve like to say here at fashion police size matters. In fact we've said that many times. And think it many more.  (Obviously about food proportions. What else would we be thinking it about? Really? You're disgusting...) The larger the area the polka dots cover, the smaller the dots should be. So on a dress, your polka dots should be around quarter size or smaller. The problem we've found with bigger polka dots is you end up with lopsided boob dots. Or butt dots. It's also extremely distracting for the eye. And your eye does not like to be distracted. Unless your looking at an attractive man. Then your eye is pleased as punch if it's distracted. At least ours are. The only things that are allowed to have big polka dots are things that are not on your body. Like scarfs, or handbags, or in our case, men. But we don't have any....
Anyways. The second thing is color combinations of polka dots. No black and brown. No loud colors because they're very distracting, unless the polka dots are very small. We can promise you don't want a shirt that has a bunch of hot pink, yellow, orange and lime green polka dots, unless you want to be your own neon disco party. In that case, rock on man.... just be aware of the repercussions...

He will follow you everywhere.... and He's not Jesus, man...

As with everything, polka dots are best with moderation. If you want to wear a lot of polka dots, make sure they're small, and not on every article of clothing you own. If you want to wear some polka dots then they can be bigger. And now, we bid you farewell. We're off to hang with Polka Dan. Auf wiedersehen!

"When it comes to naming new fashions, I'm partial to the 'Dougie Drop' it just has more of a ring to it!"- Chief Glamzilla
"Just make sure you don't look like a walking target."- Lt. Grunge
"I think my favorite fashion accessory this fall will be the polka boob."- Srgt. McDiscopants
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-