Polka Don'ts!

As we were doing our weekly "research" on what's up and coming for fashion trends this fall, and of course stalking all of you on Facebook (It's because we CARE okay!? And if you're not our friend anymore obviously it's because you're not up to par with our expectations. Luckily, we have pretty low expectations. So that's why we've attempted to add pretty much everyone we can. Also because we wish there were a male fashion police. We are STILL taking applications.) we stumbled across polka dots. We, being the scholarly policewomen we are, wanted to research further, so we hopped on the earliest flight from the Cedar City airport.We actually weren't even sure where we were going, we just knew it was somewhere in Europe. (Also don't try this at home kids. And don't try to see where we went. Because it might become extremely apparent that we're making this whole story up and got all of our information on Wikipedia. But you don't know that. We have proof we went on this trip. PROOF we tell you!)  So, as we flew across the Alps our plane started to crash. Which was probably due to engine failure. Or the fact that we told the pilot that we wanted to go to Boston and he didn't have enough fuel. Either one. Anyways the point is we crashed. It doesn't matter why. We landed in the mountains, which we assumed were the Alps, (Because those are mountains in Europe, right?) but we became a bit doubtful that we were in Europe when we happened upon a pack of crazed mountain lions (You're welcome Timothy) that we had to fight off with our bare hands... and machine guns.

 Which we consider to be our hands.

 

After the mountain lions were annihilated, we continued onward on our quest to find polka dots. When lo and behold, what did we find? A polka dancer! Which puts us back in Europe right? We thought so too. Anyways the polka dancer was close but no cigar. He would have helped us... but he had other things to do. Apparently.

I'm auf to Frankfurt. For ze  vorld famous fashion veek. You'll see me on ze runway. 

So we were on our own. So far our treasure quest for polka dots had given us little more than a few cougar pelts to add to our growing collection in our apartment. So we decided to use our expert stalking skills... we mean fashion police skills, to follow the polka dancer, who happened to be named Dan, to his fashion shoot. Here we found that the fashion of polka dots, actually came from the dance! Mostly because people started wearing the fashion around the same time the dance started to become popular, and apparently Bohemian fashion experts had little to no creative ability. If we were them we would call them something better. Like super spots! Actually the more we think about this, we can't think of a creative name for them either. So we guess the best way to name the craze was to take the easy way out and name it after your favorite dance move.

We can do it too! See? Those are Dougie Petals! HA.

After watching Dan's sexy fashion show, we realized that polka dots are going to be "popping up" in trends this fall. Because if it's in Frankfurt's fashion veek, it's going to be everyvere! (Just so you know...Ve are writing all of this talking this in German accents... because it iz uuber fun!) So ve decided to make some rules about polka dotting yourself.
Let's first talk about ze sizes. Ve like to say here at fashion police size matters. In fact we've said that many times. And think it many more.  (Obviously about food proportions. What else would we be thinking it about? Really? You're disgusting...) The larger the area the polka dots cover, the smaller the dots should be. So on a dress, your polka dots should be around quarter size or smaller. The problem we've found with bigger polka dots is you end up with lopsided boob dots. Or butt dots. It's also extremely distracting for the eye. And your eye does not like to be distracted. Unless your looking at an attractive man. Then your eye is pleased as punch if it's distracted. At least ours are. The only things that are allowed to have big polka dots are things that are not on your body. Like scarfs, or handbags, or in our case, men. But we don't have any....
Anyways. The second thing is color combinations of polka dots. No black and brown. No loud colors because they're very distracting, unless the polka dots are very small. We can promise you don't want a shirt that has a bunch of hot pink, yellow, orange and lime green polka dots, unless you want to be your own neon disco party. In that case, rock on man.... just be aware of the repercussions...

He will follow you everywhere.... and He's not Jesus, man...

As with everything, polka dots are best with moderation. If you want to wear a lot of polka dots, make sure they're small, and not on every article of clothing you own. If you want to wear some polka dots then they can be bigger. And now, we bid you farewell. We're off to hang with Polka Dan. Auf wiedersehen!

"When it comes to naming new fashions, I'm partial to the 'Dougie Drop' it just has more of a ring to it!"- Chief Glamzilla
"Just make sure you don't look like a walking target."- Lt. Grunge
"I think my favorite fashion accessory this fall will be the polka boob."- Srgt. McDiscopants
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-