Orange... orange... nothing rhymes with orange...

Spring has sprung. The grass has risen. The snow melted... then it snowed again. Then it melted again. Then it snowed again... and then it rained that one day for awhile but now the sun is out! Hooray! and with this glorious sun all of the people around campus have been bringing out their shorts and t shirts.  As we were walking around campus we decided we might need to take our sunglasses out of hibernation, simply because we were blinded by the sun reflecting off the white skin of everyone. We're surprised some of you don't glow in the dark ( actually we're pretty sure Srgt. McDiscopants does.) We see that some of you have taken the matter into your own hands and run straight for the tanning booths. And some of you, sadly, look like you ran past the tanning booths and into Loompaland... and you've come back looking something like this:

Oh no! Theres millions of them! We're being infested! It must be spring...

First off we appreciate that you're not damaging yourself by tanning in tanning beds, or tanning outside. Now, when you die of cancer it won't be skin cancer from all the UV rays you've soaked up from the sun, it will be from all the toxins you've inhaled whilst using the spray on tan booth.  However... it does not look natural. You may be darker, but you appear to look like a rather crisped carrot. Which last time we checked was not attractive to anyone, rabbits or otherwise.

Girl, you lookin' so fine!

Now, we must say that the spray on tan, when used in moderation is okay! There are also lotions that you can use that gradually make your skin darker, and you don't become a bright orange. But when we go into our class for the day and we think our vision has turned sepia tone when we look at you, you know that you've been frequenting the Palm Beach Tan too often. Also, if you're going to use the lotion, please make sure you're not using it on only one part of your body. If you have super dark forearms and the rest of your body happens to be a stark white, we can only assume that you're using the lotion wrong or have been working on the farm a little too much. But generally your farmers tan isn't supposed to be orange... so we'll go with the first option. It's also not attractive to have orange hand prints all the way down the backs of your legs because you forgot about them. It makes you look like you've been slapped in the calves by leprechaun sized people with cheeto dust on their hands...

mmm... cheetos sound good.


Anyways! We understand that you want darker skin. But everybodies whiter this time of year, so you're not standing out. The only time you are standing out is when you're orange in a sea of white. So patience young padwan. Good things come to those who wait... or who are black.
"You've been tangoed!" Lt. Grunge
"As the whitest member of the Fashion Police, I understand your pain. However at least you'll become darker at some point in the summer... I just stay exactly the same shade. Perhaps I'm part albino..."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"You never hear anyone singing about orange women... it's just 'black white yellow or brown chicks'" -Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not!-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Chief Glamzilla

Mustache March!

In a world... where faces were bare, Magnum P.I. had no glory upon his upper lip, Hitler was just another man and the only handlebars Hulk Holgan had were on his motorcycle the people cried for a hero....
and one stepped forward.

Enter... the Mustachio.

It was glorious, joyful, rockin', epic and caused twenty percent more whiplash in the world because of all the double takes people kept having to do to see the awesomeness eminating from the upper lips of men everywhere.

If you couldn't tell we love mustaches. So much. So in celebration of Mustache March we're going to tell you a variety of mustaches you could be wearing this season. (Let us remind you that could be and should be are two very different things...) Here are some of our personal favorites.

The Handlebar

The handlebar mustache is a good go to if you're thinking of growing an elaborate mustache. It's not too extreme, but there are some excentricities that go along with this style. No one will question your authority with this mustache. Obviously this man's mustache is a bit more extravagant than others we have seen, but why not? He's earned it obviously...
Some of the perks of having the handlebar mustache, are you can tickle your kissing partners nose... and if things start getting a bit more extreme they'll have something to hold onto. How considerate of you. You are truly a ladies man.

The Walrus

This mustache combines the beauty and grace of a walrus... as it is thus named. With this style you have the ability to completely cover your lips. Which means you can speak without having your lips read. Which would make you an absolutely wonderful spy... or ventriliquist. However, we're not sure if it would make you very inconspicous. Thus your glorious and long reigning spy career is short lived after you are shot in five minutes on the job.  But you'd leave a darn good lookin' body with that mustache attached. Maybe you could donate it to those who are less fortunate than yourself... like Uncle Bob who's had a combover since he was thirty.  
The Mexi-Stache

This mustache style is for those poor souls who have the desire to grow a mustache but lack the ability. It may be because of lack of manly hormones or perhaps they just aren't worthy of the glory of full mustache capabilities. Either way, if you choose to grow this mustache you will be doomed to nicknames such as Pedro, Fence jumper, and Hypogonadist. (if you don't know what that means, it's okay. Come to our biology class with us. Except our professor can only say "boy parts" and "girl parts" so you'd probably be just as well looking it up on wikipedia.)

The Molestache

This is by far our most favorite mustache style in the world. And if you don't know what this picture is from then we are so so so sorry. You must have a horrible life. Here we'll make it better. Click this and all of your worldly problems will disapear.
Anyways. Back to the mustache at hand, this is also known as the pedophile mustache, for obvious reasons. It's the kind of mustache your creepy seventh grade woodshop teacher had. He would hide in the back of the classroom... and we all know the real reason he was there to teach children. And it wasn't because he liked educating children. He just liked the children part of that equation. Also, we'd like to point out that poor BYU students who have to wear their mustaches to the corners of their lips end up looking a lot like this. We don't think that's what their honor code had in mind when they implented it... a bunch of young adult men running around looking like potential sex offenders. We believe that gives the wrong impression entirely. Aren't you glad we live in a free society? Your pedophile can be as long as you wish! HOORAY!

The Villanous stache

WARNING: If you see this mustache on any man, run away quickly, and do NOT meet him at any train tracks! Also, do not kiss him... well... because he's a cartoon. But generally this mustache is evil and shouldn't be taken lightly. We have our theories that the mustache itself is evil, so if a man were to grow one, the mustache would begin to control him and our safe lifes in Cedar City Utah would forever be changed. No longer would rail road crossings be safe! No more could we walk the aisles of Walmart alone... and we will never give up that right. So please use caution and razors when dealing with this particular stache.

"Together we can bring mutton chops back!!!"- Lt. Grunge
"If only I had a man with handlebars...." -Chief Glamzilla
"As the only member of the fashion police who's kissed a man with glorious fuzz atop his lip, all I have to say is if you're going to grow it... put those peaches to shame!"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-


Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants

I Like Big Belts and I Cannot Lie!

Batman has his for utilities...
It keeps your sword handy...
You can spank children with them.... or your significant other...
You can make yourself have a waist...
Pilgrims wore them on their hats... so their brims wouldn't fall down...
Would you like to phone a friend? Ask the audience? Quick you only have thirty seconds!
3...2...1... is that your final answer?
What is belts? CORRECT!
Yes, we're very aware that that was the worst combination of all of the game shows we could possibly think of. But our point is belts.
Belts. They've been around forever. However in this new modern age that we're all living in, belts have function as well as fashion. Which is why we're writng a post about it. Obviously.
One of the best fashion with belts right now is the waist belt. However many people seem to be misusing this fashion. The point of this belt is to emphasize your waist. Not give you one. Or emphasize your fat. So if you're struggling to breath, it's advisable to go up a notch. Unless you're trying to have brain damage from lack of oxygen. Also we should mention that corsets are no longer in style. So stop trying to make your belt into one.

He takes my breath away every time I see him.... the jerk! like I can breathe in this thing!!!

Next we just need to explain about waists because some of you have apparently misplaced yours. FAIL. Waists are where you bend, when your bending sideways. Surprise! It's not directly under your boobs! WEIRD!!! You are not wearing a boob belt! Boob belts will never EVER be in style unless our boobs mutate into something that just can't be contained. Which they already kinda have... but that's what a BRA is for. NO BOOB BELTS. If you feel like you need the added support of a boob belt, maybe you should invest in some better bras. Or perhaps wear two... or three at a time.

Now it wouldn't be an original fashion police post if we didn't talk about both boobs.... and butts! WHOO! We hate butt belts. Belts worn on your hips are made to hold your pants up. There is absolutely no point if you have a belt on your butt. Unless your cheeks are sagging. In that case, you should see your local gym at the most convient time possible. And we know there's one here... we've been there a couple times... just checking out the place... you know. Looking at the equipment and such. Were there extremely attractive, shirtless men with rippling muscles upon these machines at the time? You'll find out in our upcoming book!

Coming to a store near you!

If you wear a belt around your butt, it's only going to emphaize your rear end. Which isn't a good thing. If you're going to wear a belt actually on your pants, make sure it's on these little inventions called the belt loops. Why are they called that? Because your belt loops through them. AMAZING. Also, your belt doesn't have to be as tight as it can possibly go. It just needs to keep your pants up. You don't want those muffins looking too well done. Also, if you have pants that are WAY too big, you need to wear a belt! Think of all the people in Africa who don't have belts. Well some of them don't have pants either... but that's not the point! Too many tragedies have occured from lack of belts.


This could have been avoided if they had just worn a belt! If only!!!

"Hey look at that! I found my waist!"- Chief Glamzilla
"When you go stargazing don't wear a belt... it will be harder to find the moon." -Lt. Grunge
"The only time it's appropriate to wear a boob belt is if you're me. Then it's always appropriate." -Srgt. McDiscopants



-Don't let us down! Keep your PANTS on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Chief Glamzilla