Mustache March!

In a world... where faces were bare, Magnum P.I. had no glory upon his upper lip, Hitler was just another man and the only handlebars Hulk Holgan had were on his motorcycle the people cried for a hero....
and one stepped forward.

Enter... the Mustachio.

It was glorious, joyful, rockin', epic and caused twenty percent more whiplash in the world because of all the double takes people kept having to do to see the awesomeness eminating from the upper lips of men everywhere.

If you couldn't tell we love mustaches. So much. So in celebration of Mustache March we're going to tell you a variety of mustaches you could be wearing this season. (Let us remind you that could be and should be are two very different things...) Here are some of our personal favorites.

The Handlebar

The handlebar mustache is a good go to if you're thinking of growing an elaborate mustache. It's not too extreme, but there are some excentricities that go along with this style. No one will question your authority with this mustache. Obviously this man's mustache is a bit more extravagant than others we have seen, but why not? He's earned it obviously...
Some of the perks of having the handlebar mustache, are you can tickle your kissing partners nose... and if things start getting a bit more extreme they'll have something to hold onto. How considerate of you. You are truly a ladies man.

The Walrus

This mustache combines the beauty and grace of a walrus... as it is thus named. With this style you have the ability to completely cover your lips. Which means you can speak without having your lips read. Which would make you an absolutely wonderful spy... or ventriliquist. However, we're not sure if it would make you very inconspicous. Thus your glorious and long reigning spy career is short lived after you are shot in five minutes on the job.  But you'd leave a darn good lookin' body with that mustache attached. Maybe you could donate it to those who are less fortunate than yourself... like Uncle Bob who's had a combover since he was thirty.  
The Mexi-Stache

This mustache style is for those poor souls who have the desire to grow a mustache but lack the ability. It may be because of lack of manly hormones or perhaps they just aren't worthy of the glory of full mustache capabilities. Either way, if you choose to grow this mustache you will be doomed to nicknames such as Pedro, Fence jumper, and Hypogonadist. (if you don't know what that means, it's okay. Come to our biology class with us. Except our professor can only say "boy parts" and "girl parts" so you'd probably be just as well looking it up on wikipedia.)

The Molestache

This is by far our most favorite mustache style in the world. And if you don't know what this picture is from then we are so so so sorry. You must have a horrible life. Here we'll make it better. Click this and all of your worldly problems will disapear.
Anyways. Back to the mustache at hand, this is also known as the pedophile mustache, for obvious reasons. It's the kind of mustache your creepy seventh grade woodshop teacher had. He would hide in the back of the classroom... and we all know the real reason he was there to teach children. And it wasn't because he liked educating children. He just liked the children part of that equation. Also, we'd like to point out that poor BYU students who have to wear their mustaches to the corners of their lips end up looking a lot like this. We don't think that's what their honor code had in mind when they implented it... a bunch of young adult men running around looking like potential sex offenders. We believe that gives the wrong impression entirely. Aren't you glad we live in a free society? Your pedophile can be as long as you wish! HOORAY!

The Villanous stache

WARNING: If you see this mustache on any man, run away quickly, and do NOT meet him at any train tracks! Also, do not kiss him... well... because he's a cartoon. But generally this mustache is evil and shouldn't be taken lightly. We have our theories that the mustache itself is evil, so if a man were to grow one, the mustache would begin to control him and our safe lifes in Cedar City Utah would forever be changed. No longer would rail road crossings be safe! No more could we walk the aisles of Walmart alone... and we will never give up that right. So please use caution and razors when dealing with this particular stache.

"Together we can bring mutton chops back!!!"- Lt. Grunge
"If only I had a man with handlebars...." -Chief Glamzilla
"As the only member of the fashion police who's kissed a man with glorious fuzz atop his lip, all I have to say is if you're going to grow it... put those peaches to shame!"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-


Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants