Thou Shalt Not Worship Woven Images

There are certain articles of clothing that we all have that tend to become our favorites. In face they become almost sacred to us... and in turn become quite holy. But how holy is too holey? There comes a point in time when you just have to get rid of that holey peice of clothing... mainly when it's just strings holding together the resemblance of a shirt. We're hear to teach you the Ten Commandments of when to throw your "holy" clothes away. So start saying your Hail Marys and repent for your fashion sins, because we're here to enlighten you.

I. Thou shalt not worship thy clothes

We as your T-Bird Fashion Police love clothes. They are very nice. They keep us covered. And we can be stylish. However. There is a huge difference between loving our clothes and refusing to stop wearing that "in style" shirt your great Aunt Martha gave to you on your seventh birthday.

See? It still fits!!!!

II. Thou shalt not wear more than six patches on thy pants.
This is kinda self explanatory. But if you have more patches than denim, it's probably time to buy a new pair. Although it probably makes them look pretty legit. If so, you should keep them around to put on and admire yourself in the mirror when nobody else is home.

If Dr. Frankenstien had been a tailor...

III. Thou shalt not purposely create holes in good clothing.
We know that holes are "in style" right now. They're totally hobo chic! But there's a difference in buying messed up clothes and attempting to create them. You know you can't create wear and tear like the department stores can... that would be too ironic! So if you happen to go buy a pair of good jeans or a nice sweat shirt, we beg you please please please back away from the clothes and put the scissors down.

Put them down Judy! It's not worth it! It's fashion suicide!

IV.Thou shalt not wear holey shoes.
Holey Shoes won't allow you to walk on water. Or anywhere else for that matter. When we see men and women with their souls/soles beared to the world we don't feel any sense of devine. In fact it makes us want to tackle them and take their shoes to the hell fire so they can be burned. When you find yourself with large holes, or flapping soles make your way to the nearest DI and pick yourself out a pair of "new" tennies. Because they're (sadly) in better shape than yours.

See? His shoes aren't holey. Wait. He's not wearing any! I think we figured it out after all these years! Quick! To the P.E. Building!

V. Thou shalt not use duct tape on cloth... or anything you wear.
Duct tape clothes are the coolest thing since the Ice Age. Duct taped clothes however... LAME. They probably should be burned. And we know what you're thinking about our last commandment. Don't even dare duct tape those holey shoes. It's an abomination! Just get yourself to the DI already!

Hallelujah! Bask in the Duct-Prom glory!

VI.Thou shalt NEVER wear holey tights.
This, is simply tacky and looks awful. The only reason anyone should ever wear holy tights is if you happen to be a zombie. Because then it's practically a job requirement that your tights are ripped. The rest of you have no excuse. No tights is better than runs!

Represent!

VII. Thou shalt not have holes in the crotch of thy pants.
This is unacceptable. Just because your legs are crossed does not mean the hole disappears. Can you walk with your legs crossed? No? Surprising! And guess what that means? That hole can still be seen. And it's gross.

VIII. Thou shalt not expose thy underclothing because of thy holey overclothing

If you would like us to see your underwear then here's a suggestion: Take out the middle man and simply wear only your underwear! Wait. You don't like us seeing that? Well neither do we. So we'd really appreciate it if you didn't happen to have your pink frilly boy shorts showing in the hole of your butt pocket. Either cover it up or throw them our and get a new pair! Same goes for your bra. Nobody likes it. Well. Maybe men do. But we don't and that's what matters. There's a reason there's no men on our Fashion Police Squad.

On second thought... we are accepting applications...

IX. Thou shalt accept responsibility for what those holes show unto the world.

Continuing from above, don't get offended if someone happens to mention those pink frilly underwear boy shorts.  We never want to hear a converstaion like this:

Boy: "I see London I see France...Is your underwear always that lacy?"

Girl: "*Gasp!* You pig! I can't believe you're looking at something that's in plain sight and commenting on it!!!"

No. Never. Sorry sister-friend. This time the reason that man's checking out your badonkadonk is all your fault.

  

Well I never! The nerve!

X. Thou shalt admit defeat.

 Clothes wear out. It happens. Maybe in your state of mourning, you could go buy new clothes. However, when your clothes time has come you need to give them up. We don't want to see any more of this pathetic clinging and carrying on with your beloved clothing. They are gone. Or should be.

"Thou Shalt Worship the Fashion Police. "- Chief Glamzilla

"The five steps of the grieving process apply to clothes as well. "- Lt. Grunge

"I'm also accepting applications for a new boyfriend... both positions can be filled by the same man."-Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Chief Glamzilla

Lt. Grunge

Srgt. McDiscopants

Liar Liar Thongs on Fire...

As the spring weather approaches, some of the animals outside begin to shed their winter coats. You may have started doing this as well! Your puffy winter coat may now reside in the back of your closet, as well as your boots, and long johns. Congrats! It's the annual awakening of the thongs out of hibernation. We have seen them peaking out of their little... ahem "caves" all over campus. Personally we're begging for five more weeks of winter... however that's probably not going to happen.

There are two purposes of wearing thongs. One is for your underwear lines to not be seen. The second is for your underwear to be seen. There are no other options. So if you choose to wear a thong in a cute outfit where you don't want your underwear lines to show then good for you! If you're choosing to wear a thong just to show off the fact that yes, in fact you indeed have a thong, then... this post is for you.

Yay! You have a thong!!!!

Thongs. What made someone go, "I think I want to cover myself, but also show that I have a nice rear end. I'd also enjoy the senstaion of constant wedgie. Yeah... That's for me! Why hasn't anyone made this?!"
Well honey buns let us fill you in. Thongs have been around long before you knew what they were, or realized you enjoyed a piece of floss between your cheeks. Nope, not those cheeks... the other ones.  You might know thongs by their step father the loin cloth. Loin cloths you say? Yes. Loin cloths. Now when you think of Tarzan just picture him with a thong and you're almost there! Loin cloths were the predecessors of a thong. Ad yes, that means that to begin with mostly men wore them. Why did they need these thongs though? Why indeed!  The thong provided a much needed relief of the distraction that the males genetailia held over him and his companions.

What... what is that? It's amazing!!!

Even now, in the world mostly  men wear thongs. Women are a minority in the thong wearers. Most of these men who wear thongs are concentrated in indiginous tribes in South Africa. Interesting. You're sporting a primitives man's fashion. How does that make you feel? Fantastic? It should! Maybe you're slightly more aware of that string stuck between the crevice of your butt cheeks. Also, you should be aware that sumo wrestlers also sport this look. Now how do you feel? Though... to be fair their thongs have as much cloths as our underwear if not our whole outfit.
Now onto thongs and low rider pants. They were made for each other. They are the peanut butter and jelly of the fashion world. You can't have one without the other! And it's also very low cost... not the most expensive thing on the menu also just like pb&j. When you decide to wear a thong with your low rise pants, just ask yourself, are you wearing them so everyone can see your behind? Because it makes your butt look bigger. We all get an unobtrused view of your buttocks. And no offense, but we really don't want to see it. Or maybe you're wearing the combination so you can air out your behind? That's rather gross... and we don't want to think about it. Or is it because you want to immortalize that fateful day in Fourth Grade when the school bully gave you an atomic wedgie by the swings?

Forever... *Sigh* This is what love is...

Whatever your reasoning, we don't want to see it.

"Sumo wrestlers brought thongs envogue" - Lt. Grunge
"Girl I don't wanna see that thong th thong thong thong! Ps... if you don't know song I'm singing you're LAME." - Srgt. McDiscopants
"If the reason you're wearing a thong is to air out your butt please don't sit in front of me!" - Chief Glamzilla
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not. -

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDisocpants
Chief Glamzilla

Dressing for Love... *Eyebrow Raise*

Valentines Day... a time to celebrate budding romances, future lovers and the death and decapitation of the man himself... St. Valentine! Ah! That makes us want some chocolate. While we personally think the tradition is rather silly  it's nice to give recognition to a man who was stoned and beaten and finally lost his head for trying to get men to commit.

St. Valentine... Where are you now?!

So it's no wonder why this is the most romantic holiday of the year. I mean really look contenders... Columbus Day? What did he do for us? The best present he  brought was syphillis. Hooray syphillis! As you all can probably tell we're rather cynical about the holiday... either that or none of us were able to bag us a Valentine. However we do recognize the fact that some of you choose to celebrate this holiday and we would like to educate you on the proper attire for your valentines date.

First off, wear something red. Not only because it's Valentines Day and you're celebrating all that carnage... we mean... love? All the hearts? Ahem. Anyways but because scientifically red is attactive to both men and women. For women it symbolizes power in a man. We see the red and think the man is successful. For men, a woman in red dates back to evolutionary times where there was a connection between the color and being fertile. So men see a woman in red and want to procreate. But this is all subconsiously of course... we know men never look at a woman and think those types of things. It's just weird. No man does that.

I look at you and think... 'Our babies would have a deverse genetic background.'

Next dress appropirately. This totally depends on where you're going. If he's taking you out to a nice dinner that doesn't mean you show up in a tandtop and you booty shorts. It also doesn't mean that you need to show up in the skankiest dress you have. And if he's taking you to go bowling, then you don't need a ball gown. Unless you're trying to prove he's cheap.

This is all I get? One pitcher of fruit punch? I deserve tater tots...

The last thing to remember when dressing for your valentines date is for the men. If you're planning on kissing your valentine's date make sure that your face is properly groomed. We promise that if you give her road rash on this special day your fate will be worse than the patron saint of christian marriage. You will be stoned. It might not be with actual stones... maybe with heels. Or chocolates. Or death glares. But we promise it will hurt.

So this Valentines, when you're practicing the most romantic holiday of the year, remember these tips. You don't want to lose your head!

"St.Valentine would be proud with what we've done with his name. My chocolate told me so."-Lt. Grunge

"My red lipstick makes my lips look extra fertile!"- Chief Glamzilla

"Personally I love this holiday. What's not to love about a man being beaten, stoned and decapitated? Romantic... really gets me going... probably my number one turn on."- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you should take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge

Chief Glamzilla

Srgt. McDiscopants

Red Hairing

Once upon a time there was a man.  And this man had glorious hair. It was curly and brown and about to his shoulders. One day he and his glorious hair were in a line for lunch. “I have such glorious hair!” He stated happily. Right at that moment he felt a pinch upon his buttocks. Turing around swiftly, his hair whipping behind him, he confronted the perp. “ Whoa man…” The guy put his hands up in the air in the universal sign of ‘it wasn’t me’ “I thought you were a girl.”

Men. We appreciate your glorious hair. However when it is more glorious than ours, we have bit of a problem. Women should always look better than men. Always. For example: Prom. Wedding. Camping. Fishing. Morning. Night.  Childbirth. Especially Childbirth.  On the other hand, some of you are trying way too hard to look horrible. Or perhaps you just don’t realize that you have hair on your head. Perhaps you were bald until recently, and you walked through that gama radiation this morning and it stimulated your hair follicles.  For this post, if you couldn’t tell already, we have some specific complaints about hair.

First of all. The Faux Hawk European Mullet. Yes that is actually the name for it. If you are as cultured as we, you might know it as the “you got in the middle of two dueling barbers who couldn’t make up their minds”

 And they’re off, Fabio brings out the razor early, could that be a mistake that comes back to haunt him? Gustavo parries with a swift snip to the temple.

Pretty much this is a combination of three haircuts at the same time. We’re not quite sure if we’d consider the mullet a hair cut… it’s more the lack thereof but for this case we’re not picky. You have your very stylish faux hawk ( which we enjoy very much) but then the sides are shaved or buzzed and then it’s like you’ve forgotten that your hair continues on the back of your head. It’s still there even if you can’t see it. You don’t have to grow out your hair to prove you to yourself that you’re balding prematurely. That’s why they invented mirrors.  The only haircut worse than this one is the monk mullet. Luckily we haven’t seen that ever…

Praise the Lord!

Next is the rat tail. We are so sorry to bring this news to you, but the power of the force does not reside in the jedi braid. If it did then all the red necks would be all powerful, and that is simply something we could not afford. There is a reason that it’s called a rat tail. Are rat tails attractive? They’re essentially describing your hair as a scaly piece of skin upon a plague infested rodent. Yummy. That is sure to turn girls on.

Your hair reminds me of something...I can't quite put my finger on it...

Lastly long hair. Although we all love the rocker hair do, if you’re not a rocker you just can’t pull it off.  The Not everybody can be Justin Beiber. Sorry. When your hair is so long you have to flip your head every two seconds it does not make you look glamorous. It makes you look like you have tour rets. Which is a serious problem and not something to make fun of. So we don’t want to be blamed for laughing at you if that’s what you look like.  The don’t care attitude is in opposition with the long hair… they are dueling forces. Much like the sun and the moon. Or mountains and valley. Or vertical and horizontal. Jeans and Khakis. Salt and Pepper. Breakfast and dinner. And any other opposites you wish to add.

Science has brought us such marvelous inventions such as gel, mouuse and haircuts. Making yourself look presentable with nice normal hair cuts does not make you less of a man. So get out there and put your most stylish foot forward.

“The root of the word grooming is groom. If you want to be one, you have to practice personal hygiene.”- Lt. Grunge

“The only acceptable place for you to have longer hair than me is upon your legs.” – Srgt. McDiscopants

“Rawr! Down Simba… you aren’t going anywhere with your mane looking like that!”- Chief Glamzilla

“You’ll never be as hot as Obi Won, so don’t even try it.” – Our special helper for this post, Padwan Posh

-Don’t let us down. Keep your clothes on. Well decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Bling Bling... Your Accesories are Calling Us.

Humans are like birds. We peck at food and are attracted to shiny objects. However some of us are more attracted to shiny objects than others, and wear their whole collection of shiny objects around their necks and heads and feet and ankles and arms. Why do you do this? Is it a portable nest? Do you have to have the maxiumum shininess? Is to make up for the fact you don't have plumage? Are you trying to blind everyone in a  five mile radius? Perhaps it's a personal vendetta against people who can see. Or maybe you think that a man much like yourself will follow you around because of how sparkly you are?

Number One Turn On: Shininess

We all like to accesorize. But how much is a good amount, and how much is just plain mean to the rest of man kind? Don't get your feathers in a ruff, we're here to tell you! First off bracelets. If you sound like a walking jingle bell you might want to tone it down. Also, braclets draw attention to your stomach because that is where your hands lay, so the eye is drawn there. If you don't want to call attention to your mid section it's best to go without bracelets. Next is necklaces. If you're under the age of 60 two is more than enough. After 60 it's hard to remember just how many neckalces you've put on in the day, so we're forgiving. But under 60 you can count (we hope) and you can tell how much strain your muscles are getting by the amount of metal you're throwing on your neck.

You're halfway to here...

Next up is rings. You don't need one on every finger. We promise that it doesn't make your fingers look any cuter. It just makes you look indecisive. You should probably stick with two on each hand... it's more than enough.
Now men. We know you like to accesorize too. But necklaces? The only time this looks appropriate is when you're on the beach, with a golden body that's well chisled. Let us pause for effect. And daydreaming...

Yes.

"The only reason to wear a lot of jewelry, is the off chance that you find yourself in the Labryinth and you need to pay Hoggle to get you through it."- Lt. Grunge
"I like my men shiny... wait... just in shiny armor" -Chief Glamzilla
"With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes... she'll look like Lady Gaga wherever she goes." -Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants

I Can See Clearly Now the Make-up's Gone...

They had been seeing each other for awhile, he was the most handsome man she had ever been with, while she was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen in the Land of Cedardom. She needed no make up, for her beauty was truly flawless. But one day, disaster struck. Ferdinand went out looking for his precious Elizabeth. He looked high in Eccles C floor 4, and low in the laundry room in Juniper. But Elizabeth was nowhere to be found! He cried many tears and many people laughed at him... and called him "pansy"... But he refused to give up! Then one day he realized... she did not live on campus! So he scootered on over to her house and banged on her door. "Elizabeth!" He cried hoping against hope that she would be there. Instead a new girl with huge fake eyelashes, bright green eyeshadow and deep red lipstck answered the door.
"You are not Elizabeth!" He cried with large tears in his eyes. "Who are you?!"
"Um... Well you can call me Izzy." She replied looking a little confused.
This began Izzy and Ferdinands courtship. While Ferdinand loved Izzy, he could never forget his love, Elizabeth. And when Izzy wasn't there with him, he was dreaming about Elizabeth. (Sometimes even when Izzy was there, he was dreaming about Elizabeth. Which caused some problems in their relationship, as you can imagine.)
One day after Izzy and Ferdinand had been dating for two weeks and were starting to get pretty serious... they went out for a romantic walk, as all walks are meant to be... they looked deeply into each others eye's exactly when the first raindrop fell. (Because this is Cedardom and five minutes before that it had been blizzarding. And five minutes before that is was sunny and warm in the 70s and we're pretty sure yesterday there was a tornado. That is all.) Ferdinand leaned in for a kiss as a torrent of water splashed over them ( because that's how weather works. In Cedardom. And if you don't believe us go outside for five mintues.) Ferdinand opened his eyes and said
"EGAD!"
"You are my precious Elizabeth! How did I not know it was you!?"

Elizabeth aka Izzy looked at him dumbfounded and said "Are you fo' real?! You didn't recognize me? You are so dumb. Fo' real."
Ferdinand was crying happy tears this time... but everbody still called him a pansy,
"I can see your true beauty now that all of this makeup you put on your face has washed away... it must have been hiding your beautiful soul underneath it's evil exterior!"
Elizabeth slapped him across the face and said " Boy... you are so dumb. And you're also a pansy."
And walked away forever.

Aye! Look at this prime specimin of a pansy! I've only seen two before this! What a beaut!

That was a depressing story! However, you can avoid this horrible drama that Ferdinand and Elizabeth went through. This post came about after a lot of requests, as well as our own experience in a class today. Pretty much it went like this:
Everyday there is a particular girl in one of our classes who has huge fake eyelashes, and enough makeup to make a clown jealous. We tolerated this. Simply because we don't really know her and we're not the type to be giving out fashion adivce to random strangers on the street.
Oh.
Wait.
Nevermind.
Anyways, today we walk into this class, and see said makeuped woman... and have three simultaneous heart attacks. She doesn't have any make up on!!!
EGAD!
We were so surpirsed... hence our exclamation of surprise!
It got us to thinking about why anyone would put that much make up on in the first place? She was extremely pretty without make up on, and so are many other women who choose to not put on make up or simply use small amounts. Here's a little tip. Make up is supposed to accentuate your beauty. Not be your beauty. If you look like a totally different person when you put it on, then there is a huge problem.

Luckily... this is how he really looks. So he's using it the right way!

"Even a drag queen couldn't pull off that much make-up..." Lt. Grunge
"OH MY GOSH! YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A FACE! It must have been hiding...."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"Do you think if you pushed your face up against a window it would still be there when you moved away?"- Cheif Glamzilla
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-