Red Hairing

Once upon a time there was a man.  And this man had glorious hair. It was curly and brown and about to his shoulders. One day he and his glorious hair were in a line for lunch. “I have such glorious hair!” He stated happily. Right at that moment he felt a pinch upon his buttocks. Turing around swiftly, his hair whipping behind him, he confronted the perp. “ Whoa man…” The guy put his hands up in the air in the universal sign of ‘it wasn’t me’ “I thought you were a girl.”

Men. We appreciate your glorious hair. However when it is more glorious than ours, we have bit of a problem. Women should always look better than men. Always. For example: Prom. Wedding. Camping. Fishing. Morning. Night.  Childbirth. Especially Childbirth.  On the other hand, some of you are trying way too hard to look horrible. Or perhaps you just don’t realize that you have hair on your head. Perhaps you were bald until recently, and you walked through that gama radiation this morning and it stimulated your hair follicles.  For this post, if you couldn’t tell already, we have some specific complaints about hair.

First of all. The Faux Hawk European Mullet. Yes that is actually the name for it. If you are as cultured as we, you might know it as the “you got in the middle of two dueling barbers who couldn’t make up their minds”

 And they’re off, Fabio brings out the razor early, could that be a mistake that comes back to haunt him? Gustavo parries with a swift snip to the temple.

Pretty much this is a combination of three haircuts at the same time. We’re not quite sure if we’d consider the mullet a hair cut… it’s more the lack thereof but for this case we’re not picky. You have your very stylish faux hawk ( which we enjoy very much) but then the sides are shaved or buzzed and then it’s like you’ve forgotten that your hair continues on the back of your head. It’s still there even if you can’t see it. You don’t have to grow out your hair to prove you to yourself that you’re balding prematurely. That’s why they invented mirrors.  The only haircut worse than this one is the monk mullet. Luckily we haven’t seen that ever…

Praise the Lord!

Next is the rat tail. We are so sorry to bring this news to you, but the power of the force does not reside in the jedi braid. If it did then all the red necks would be all powerful, and that is simply something we could not afford. There is a reason that it’s called a rat tail. Are rat tails attractive? They’re essentially describing your hair as a scaly piece of skin upon a plague infested rodent. Yummy. That is sure to turn girls on.

Your hair reminds me of something...I can't quite put my finger on it...

Lastly long hair. Although we all love the rocker hair do, if you’re not a rocker you just can’t pull it off.  The Not everybody can be Justin Beiber. Sorry. When your hair is so long you have to flip your head every two seconds it does not make you look glamorous. It makes you look like you have tour rets. Which is a serious problem and not something to make fun of. So we don’t want to be blamed for laughing at you if that’s what you look like.  The don’t care attitude is in opposition with the long hair… they are dueling forces. Much like the sun and the moon. Or mountains and valley. Or vertical and horizontal. Jeans and Khakis. Salt and Pepper. Breakfast and dinner. And any other opposites you wish to add.

Science has brought us such marvelous inventions such as gel, mouuse and haircuts. Making yourself look presentable with nice normal hair cuts does not make you less of a man. So get out there and put your most stylish foot forward.

“The root of the word grooming is groom. If you want to be one, you have to practice personal hygiene.”- Lt. Grunge

“The only acceptable place for you to have longer hair than me is upon your legs.” – Srgt. McDiscopants

“Rawr! Down Simba… you aren’t going anywhere with your mane looking like that!”- Chief Glamzilla

“You’ll never be as hot as Obi Won, so don’t even try it.” – Our special helper for this post, Padwan Posh

-Don’t let us down. Keep your clothes on. Well decide if you need to take them off or not.-