Why you so "obesed" with me?

Yes. That word up there says obese, and not obsessed. And no this is not a blog about overweight people. Tonight we are going to educate you in wearing clothing that is appropriate for your size.
First off. Wearing clothing that is three sizes too big.
Some people seem to believe that wearing clothing that is three sizes too big will make you look petite and delicate. However, it sadly just makes you look like you have no shape and you are a large cardboard box underneath that shirt. Nobody wants to have a body of a cardboard box...


Robots are the exception....

 The trick is to find fabrics that aren't clingy but have some shape. You want to be able to show off that you actually have a body underneath that shirt... you just don't want everybody and their dog to be able to see every single part of your body. Clothes are about illusion. It's like a magic trick that you wear. They can give you waists when you don't have one, hips where you need em and lessen your booty where you have it.

Bada Bing Bada..... Boobs.

Now: Men. We know you get a ton of crap about baggy pants and oversized shirts. But here's why. When your pants are down to your ankles, and your butt pockets are where the backs of your knees are, there's no point in wearing an oversized shirt. You can't cover up the fact that your butt is on the shelf of your pants. It's like a mantle... for your butt.

"This is my most prized booty... I caught it in Africa!"

Next, too tight of clothes. Lets just say if we can see the hamburger you just ate through your clothes they're probably too tight. Your stomach should not be a digital photo frame of the food you just ate. There's nothing wrong with wearing good fitting clothes but when your fat is trying to escape and make a run for it, you should probably tone it down... actually we mean loosen it up. Dress for the body you have, not the body you want!

"Dress to impress. Your fat rolls do not impress me. Although, if you can hide food in them I am rather impressed..." -Lt. Grunge
"It's so cold here that you men have mistaken if for the Arctic... and have compensated by trying to become penguins..."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"Have you heard of the crazy new invention called a belt?! It's a gravity defying product that holds your pants up"- Chief Glamzilla
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on. We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Three Reasons That Proved Our Parents Didn't Want Us.

Ah... the ninties. What a glorious decade for clothing. Too bad most of us were too young to make our own decisions so our parents forced their fashion upon us. Now we're going on a horrific trip down repressed memory lane. So buckle up buttercup, we're going to look at some hard truths. And you'd better handle them or you'll be trapped forever in....

The Twighlight Zone...

Do do do do, do do do do, do do do do, do do do do, do do do do....



1. Disney Clothing

Your family albums seem to be a timeline of Disney movies. Little Mermaid came out about the same time as your trip to the Grand Canyon... which would explain why every day of the two week vacation you're wearing a different Ariel and Sebatsian t-shirt. Lion King was apparently out when you visited Great Aunt Bertha for the summer and you wore your Belle dress all over Disneyland after Beauty and the Beast came out... and men we know you dressed like the Beast. In fact some of you still do... but back to the topic at hand. After flipping through our pictures we've deduced that all parents must have been in cohorts with the Disney company because every single one of us was a walking billboard. It's like people paid Disney to advertise for them. Or maybe they just got some perks out of it... like the three hours of peace while their little darlings were mesmerized by the television screen. We're not quite sure... but we think that there were some deals with the devil involved. We mean really? How entertaining is Mickey's Jack in the Beanstalk three times over?  Not very when you're 21 but when we were three that was simply magical... there were probably drugs involved. Or just sugar induced highs.

"I want to be a part of your world... that sea witch sure is attractive."

2. The Unfortunate Pant Situation...

Remember those sweatpants with the matching sweater on top? You don't?! Probably because you repressed that memory. Let us remind you... They were the pants that today would probably be considered leggings. Put for some reason your parents thought it would be okay to send you out the door half dressed.  Way to go parents!!! The best part is when you actually tried to go out of the house looking like that in highschool, they got mad at you and tried to make you change. What do you expect? Look at what you were dressing us in all these years... some of it had to rub off.

And when you asked for jeans, your mother gave you a child version of her pair. Which was great and all except for the fact you had a nine inch zipper that went from your knees to your navel. Which was basically half of you, because remember? You're a kid.

Try fitting a nine inch zipper on that thing...

3. Le Tied Sweataur...

When you were young and complaining about the heat, what would your mom do with your sweater after you took it off? Did she magically have a closet full of hangers riding around in her pants (There was probably enough room in there...) ? No... She had something even better. And it was called your waist. She'd tie your sweater there and wha la... a sweater and a belt! How convenient! It also looked like a little person is hugging you... with their face smooshed into your behind. Which is definately the look you were going for when you were seven and half with all the ladies.

Why won't Julie love me?! I have this sweater and everything!

"The nineties called... and we're not calling them back"- Lt. Grunge
"Nine inch zippers. No wonder there were less teenage pregnancies..." -Chief Glamzilla
"Worst part about those sweat pants? You're still picking out that wedgie to this day..." -Srgt. McDiscopants.

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on- we'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants

Poof Up the Volume! WOOT WOOT!

We're going to start this post off with a history lesson! Be excited! Be very excited! After all, this is college! You need to learn something...
During medieval times it was customary during winter months to put live rodents inside of the sleeve. The purpose was to keep the person warm and enable them to survive the winter's chill without having to heat up the whole castle. Of course, with all that food they kept feeding their sleeve-pets, they probably could have just paid for central heating and air, but hey! Who are we to judge?

"I do say! Your sleeve doth bark at me!"

 We were reminded of this tid bit of historic trivia, while walking around campus when we saw people who seemed to be copying this trend, except it was upon their heads! Then we looked a bit closer. Nope. It was just their extremely ratted hair. Can we just say that it was a relief? That would have been very unsanitary. But that relief only lasted mere seconds as the horror dawned on us that these people had done it INTENTIONALLY.

Even Oprah was shocked when we told her the news!

Yes. That's right. We confused people's hair with rodents. Gross. First of all, if people start commenting on how good looking your coon skin hat is today, you probably need to tone down the ratting. We understand that you want to add some volume to your hair! Who doesn't? But when your head's bigger than your shoulders, you run the risk of toppling over, and we all know how expensive big hair insurance rates are these days! What with all the premiums!  If you really want to volumize your hair, make sure that you're doing it properly. One fourth of your hair in a huge rats nest, does not equal attractive. Instead try an even look, by adding small amounts of ratting everywhere. But not too much! 

What a cute hat! Oh... wait a minute....

If you're one of the women who adds just the right amount of volume in your hair, then good job! Keep it up, and PLEASE if you see one of these poor unfortunate souls, take them under your wing. Please!
But ladies, don't feel like we're only picking on you... apparently men do this look too. With much more disastrous results...

Either he's contemplating suicide because of his botched hair job, or he's trying to figure out how to make this the new style back at Toys R Us.

 Remember: You are not Snookie. And if you are, then we are sorry.

"Polygamous poof is so last year! "- Lt. Grunge
"Ah! I'm in hillbilly hell!" -Chief Glamzilla
"The real reason that last picture is in this post is because we found it and had to share it with the world. Because really?! How could we keep that little beauty tucked away?" -Srgt. McDiscopants

- Don't let us down, keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Lt. Grunge, Chief Glamzilla, Srgt. McDiscopants

Everybody down! He's taking out his GUNS!

Lets just throw this out there: We appreciate hot, attractive, muscular men. Let us pause for dramatic effect... and for pictures!

More please!

However! We do not appreciate those men who have to walk around basically naked just to prove the fact that they're built. If we want to see that, we'll stand outside the gym in the P.E. building and just stare at you... but not creepily. We promise that wasn't us who were suctioned cupped to the gym windows last tuesday night. It was... er... our friends. Ya.

Anyways the point being is that you don't need to beat us over the head with the fact you have muscular arms. Unless you're letting us feel your muscular arms while you do so.  The worst of these we fear, are those men who wear a shirt, but insist on ruining said perfect shirt by cutting off the sleeves. Here is a mind boggling piece of information for you:  We can see your muscles even if you keep your sleeves on! Weird! That's like us cutting holes in our shirts so you can see our boobs. They're still there! Clothing is not some magical portal that sends your muscles to some other demention. They're there whether you cut your sleeves off or not.

Where did my 6-pack go?! I swear I had it five minutes ago! Blasted shirt!

Also, what is it with men who choose to cut off the sleeves down to their navel? Are you planning on getting so buff that your arms take up 50% of your sides?! If that happened you'd end up in the same predicament as Randy in the Christmas Story... 

I can't put my arms down!!!

And with that mental picture... we bid you Adieu.

"Apply for a concealed weapons permit. Put your guns in your sleeves." -Lt. Grunge
"Wife Beater: Bonus! 50% more skin than you wanted to see!" -Srgt. McDiscopants
"They made me go to the P.E. building!" - Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Lt. Grunge, Srgt. McDiscopants and Chief Glamzilla

Sweaters: Man's Best Freinemy

Imagine yourself walking to your seven thirty class... it's still dark outside and there's a light mist in the air. You hear the frost crunching underneath your feet as you hurry across the quad. Suddenly from behind the library wall a silliouette appears!
It inches closer and closer as your mind tries to understand what this grotesque form is appearing in front of you. You back away in fear, as you feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Slowly it starts to split apart as it calls your name!
"What could this horrible monstrosity be?!" You cry out, wondering if this blob is spawning children that thirst for your blood!
Is it sasquatch!?
Is it the gelatenous blob?!
Is it a vampire sumo wrestler?!
Could it be your seventh grade math teacher back from the living middle school?! How did she find you?!?

I swear I turned my homework in!!!!

Oh wait! You know who this creature from beyond is! It's Rebecca... the girl from Cedar South. Wearing... you guessed it. An oversized sweater.

Oversized sweaters are made those very select few of us... much like fanny packs. ( However. We did find these little beauties. And those are made for everyone.)  Pretty much those of us who can wear oversized sweaters are short, extremely skinny women. Oversized sweaters are not made for those of us who have curves. Which is practically 80% of the population of women. They make you look like you've put on about 100 pounds... straight to the gut. Which is very unhealthy, and bad for your heart! Wait. Good news everyone! It doesn't actually make you fatter! It just makes you LOOK like it! Which last time I checked NO woman wants to have her friend come up to her and say:
"Oh my gosh Jessie! You look so good! Have you gained weight!? Like 100 hundred pounds into your gut? Which is really bad for your health?"

"I thought the sweater was hiding it so well!!!"

Pretty much, sweaters need shape to flatter your figure. Oversized sweaters generally have thicker fabric that doesn't cling to your shape, so you end up looking like a gigantic marshmallow. Which isn't bad if that's what you're going for. (Yummy!!!) The best type of sweater to wear is one that has structure. It can found many places. One such place is the in the sweater dress! However you do need to excercise caution when picking out a sweater dress. You don't want one that's too tight, because none of us want to see your yarn encrusted booty. But you also don't want one that's too loose because you're back to the blob. Adding a belt to a sweater like this can help give it shape, and not make you look like you're starring in "The Blob Returns: Revenge of the Ugly Sweater!"

And men... unless you look like this man: No sweater vest for you. Also, please wear something underneath your sweater vest... don't go commando.

What an attractive sweater vest!!!

So in overview... remember: No blobs, no painted on sweaters, and mostly be smart when you're picking out your sweater for the day!

 "The sweater vest is the sophisticated version of the wife beater."-Lt. Grunge
"'My Mom made it for me' Is not a valid excuse for a oversized sweater"- Chief Glamzilla
"I look at oversized sweaters and say... I wonder how many sheep it took to make that thing?"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Lt. Grunge, Chief Glamzilla, Srgt. McDiscopants

Shades of Gray

Last night we (your T-Bird Fashion Police) attended the gymnastics meet (way to flip T-Birds!) and then the dance. Pretty much it was a great night. We say pretty much because some of you apparently need to go back to kindergarten and review the color wheel. Remember that thing? That thing that had all those colors on it? And was shaped like a wheel? Ya. That's what we're talking about people. Let's look at it.
We noticed a person who was sitting in close proximity to us who happened to be wearing gray. And some more gray. And some more gray. And gray and gray and gray. Now this may this may have been a bit much but, to top it all off they were all different shades of gray. That does not fool anyone. Plus they were wearing sweatpants, with thermals, a t shirt and a hat. Did we mention these were all gray? The only word to describe it was... strange. You have to try to wear that much gray. Maybe he was just feeling gloomy that day. But that still doesn't give him any excuse. When we're estatically happy about something (like every time someone comments on our blog... hint hint nudge nudge wink wink) we don't dress in all neon green and go parading around the room do we? Most of the time? Right. well. Um... just forget we posted that.

Anyways... if our school colors were gray, then maybe. But last I checked we were not Thunderclouds. We are Thunderbirds.




No...









Yes!

Athletic events may be the only time you can wear all of the same color and get away with it. But when you don't know the color of the team you're supporting, it's just wrong.This brings us to the other end of the spectrum. Wearing too much of EVERY SINGLE COLOR.

Dances are a time for...

"Standing around and looking awkward." -Lt. Grunge

"Dancing and dressing like a slut." -Chief Glamzilla

"Managing to do both in the same five minutes." -Srgt. McDiscopants

Apparently some of you women need to re-read our cleavage post. Some men can too but we know the real reason why you're looking at it... to see the picture of that plumber fixing the sink. Don't lie to yourself.  Lets just lay out a formula for you all out there:

8.5 Million different colors + extremely short shorts+ almost nothing on top= How in the world did you manage to get so much color on so little clothing!?

Does not compute.

Tie Dye shirts are one thing, but when your eyes can't focus on one color in your outfit, it could be dangerous to other people's health. You could cause brain annurisms. And we don't want that do we?

Well we don't you demented freaks... Also, future supervillans please ignore that last idea for taking over all of humanity. We don't to be responsible.

So overall use color, even during the winter. Just don't take us all on a lsd trip whenever we look at you. Say no to drugs.

"It's a problem if it looks like a rainbow threw up on you..."- Chief Glamzilla

"If I can't see the colors of the wind does that mean I'm colorblind?!" -Lt. Grunge

"No Lt. Grunge... that just means your retinas were burned out last night at the dance." -Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Cheif Glamzilla, Lt. Grunge, Srgt. McDiscopants

The Big "C". Or D, DD, E, F or G.

Cleavage. We all have a love hate relationship with it. Some of us love to hate it, and some of us hate that we love it. Either way, how much is appropriate? First off. Butt cleavage. Never appropriate. Nobody ever wants to see the location where your butt cheeks join together. If you have butt cleavage, either you need new pants, a new belt or a new butt. Or you can always pursue this occupation:



The pipes are calling your name...

  Onto the real subject.  Now girls, we all have them, and boys... some of you do too. But although you may have them, it doesn't mean that everybody wants to see them.  There is a fine line between showing what you got and showing ALL of what you got if you catch our drift.  We're here to lay down the law at what's appropriate... especially in this largely mormon climate we all live in.

Here is a diagram that we painstakingly made based off of functions that we previously collaberated to match the average female. Enjoy!  

Now. We understand that there are different situations when dealing with different cup sizes. A's tend to be able to pull off lower neck lines than say... D's. And G's (There is such a thing) we understand the you'll have a clevage no matter what you do. Just keep in mind that even though you may be proud of whatcha mamma gave ya... that doesn't mean you need to embarass your mamma... and the rest of us.

"They're just jiggling balls of fat... nobody wants to see that."- Lt. Grunge

"Don't let your look go from glamorous to scandalous." -Chief Glamzilla

"Boobs. Hahahahahaha."- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Chief Glamzilla, Lt. Grunge and Srgt. McDiscopants

OH MY HECK. Don't be such a beardo.

Dear Men,
We know we've been neglecting you since we're pretty sure that you don't wear ugg boots and sweats or sundresses and tights in the middle of winter. Well, actually we hope you never wear those. Not that there's anything wrong with that... well. Yes. There is in a fashion standpoint. Anyways, we're now here to remedy the fact we've been ignoring you.

In this cold weather it seems that many of you have decided to grow some hair upon your chinny-chin-chin. But some of you are begining to look like the big bad wolf.

Ow ow! I think he's in my Psych class...

Pretty much, when your start confusing your beard with you chest hair, it's time for a trim. Mainly on your neck. We know this is Utah, but you are not a pioneer. We do have access to razors, and if you don't we're sure that you can go to the Center for Women and Families and pick one up. Or if you''re growing a beard to prove your manliness to yourself, listen to Grog's advice...

Grog get rock.

Grog chop hair off neck.

Grog no cut off head.

YAY GROG!

It's not that we have anything against facial hair. If you can grow it then show it, but please. Keep it asthetically pleasing to everyone else around you. Just because you feel like a mountain man, doesn't mean you have to look like one.

"There's a reason the mountain men went extinct. Think about it." -Lt. Grunge

"No girl wants to risk getting road rash because you have a beard." - Cheif Glamzilla

"I shave my legs. Now you shave your face." -Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down, Keep your clothes on. We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt.Grunge, Cheif Glamzilla and Srgt. McDiscopants

Do you have elephantiatis or are you just happy to see me?

We see you've read our last post and fought against the tights in the middle of winter. However the sweatpants paired with the Ugg boots were not what we had in mind! Pretty much, when you do this "look" (if you can even consider this a look) it makes seem  like you've just rolled out of bed. Which you could have, except it's one in the afternoon, and nobody wants to know that's how late you sleep in. If you've had that much sleep, then you should be able to find the energy to get up and put on some jeans. We promise people. It takes just about two seconds more to put them on.
It's not even the old "you sleep in your pajamas. Don't wear them all day long." You can wear your pajamas. If you want to look like a slob. We don't really care. Well... we do care. But that's not what this post is about. It's the fact that even though you can't put on a different pair of pants, you've managed to stuff the legs of your sweatpants into the tops of the boot. Which doesn't look flattering, and you may start to look like you have elephantiasis. In fact, maybe that's why you're wearing them, and if that is the case we apologize, and would like to donate 50 dollars to your cause. For the rest of you, you have no excuses. And no. We won't donate 50 dollars to your cause. Whatever that may be that makes you wear this horrible style.

Men find this attractive. Yummy! 

"If the boot fits, it doesn't mean sweats do too."- Chief Glamzilla
"Switching your tennies for Ugg's doesn't disguise the fact that you just got back from the gym."- Lt. Grunge
"I'll donate to your cause... if it means you'll get a pair of jeans."- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Chief Glamzilla, Lt. Grunge, Srgt. McDiscopants

Baby it's cold outside... SO GO BACK IN AND PUT ON SOME PANTS!!!

WELCOME TO UTAH. IT IS COLD HERE. WEAR SOME PANTS.
Well, that was pretty self explanitory. But maybe some of you people just don't understand. And when I say some of  you, I'm talking about those of you who think it's great to go outside in a sundress and tights in the middle of winter.

Oh and did I mention we're in Utah?
And did I mention we're in CEDAR CITY UTAH?

See? It's summer here.

It's cold here people. Are your thighs cold? Wanna know why? For your information, tights aren't pants. Gals: We know you want some guy to give you his jacket... but that might come with a can of soup and a shopping cart to carry all your belongings in because you DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON!!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER!!!!!
So please, take the temperature into consideration when you're dressing for the day. Your frostbitten stubs will thank you later.

"When you wear your puffy coat, gloves, hat and scarf with only tights on your legs, you look like a marshmallow with two toothpicks sticking out the bottom. Just a hint: Marshmallow ... not a flattering look." -Lt. Grunge

"Cover your cheeks. Both sets."- Sgt. McDiscopants

"Fight the tights, or else you'll get frostbite!" - Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-


 Lt. Grunge, Srgt. McDiscopants and Chief Glamzilla

Hello T-Birds!

I'm sure you're all wondering just what this blog is about... well don't worry. We are here to fill you in! Let us introduce ourselves. For privacy's sake (and also safety precautions) we are going to be known by these rockin' pseudonyms.  Lieutenant Grunge's specialty is watching out for your hygienic well-being.   Sergeant McDiscopants' calling is to bring your attention to some serious fashion faux pas before they become dangerous for your health. And Chief Glamzilla will educate you in the art of hair and make up, because yes it is an art. Together we are the Thunderbird Fashion Police, right here in Cedar City, Utah. We're watching your every frumpy, mismatched, and bad hair day move. We're here to stop the injustice to fashion for all of our sakes, one pair of "croc" shoes at a time.