Sweaters: Man's Best Freinemy

Imagine yourself walking to your seven thirty class... it's still dark outside and there's a light mist in the air. You hear the frost crunching underneath your feet as you hurry across the quad. Suddenly from behind the library wall a silliouette appears!
It inches closer and closer as your mind tries to understand what this grotesque form is appearing in front of you. You back away in fear, as you feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Slowly it starts to split apart as it calls your name!
"What could this horrible monstrosity be?!" You cry out, wondering if this blob is spawning children that thirst for your blood!
Is it sasquatch!?
Is it the gelatenous blob?!
Is it a vampire sumo wrestler?!
Could it be your seventh grade math teacher back from the living middle school?! How did she find you?!?

I swear I turned my homework in!!!!

Oh wait! You know who this creature from beyond is! It's Rebecca... the girl from Cedar South. Wearing... you guessed it. An oversized sweater.

Oversized sweaters are made those very select few of us... much like fanny packs. ( However. We did find these little beauties. And those are made for everyone.)  Pretty much those of us who can wear oversized sweaters are short, extremely skinny women. Oversized sweaters are not made for those of us who have curves. Which is practically 80% of the population of women. They make you look like you've put on about 100 pounds... straight to the gut. Which is very unhealthy, and bad for your heart! Wait. Good news everyone! It doesn't actually make you fatter! It just makes you LOOK like it! Which last time I checked NO woman wants to have her friend come up to her and say:
"Oh my gosh Jessie! You look so good! Have you gained weight!? Like 100 hundred pounds into your gut? Which is really bad for your health?"

"I thought the sweater was hiding it so well!!!"

Pretty much, sweaters need shape to flatter your figure. Oversized sweaters generally have thicker fabric that doesn't cling to your shape, so you end up looking like a gigantic marshmallow. Which isn't bad if that's what you're going for. (Yummy!!!) The best type of sweater to wear is one that has structure. It can found many places. One such place is the in the sweater dress! However you do need to excercise caution when picking out a sweater dress. You don't want one that's too tight, because none of us want to see your yarn encrusted booty. But you also don't want one that's too loose because you're back to the blob. Adding a belt to a sweater like this can help give it shape, and not make you look like you're starring in "The Blob Returns: Revenge of the Ugly Sweater!"

And men... unless you look like this man: No sweater vest for you. Also, please wear something underneath your sweater vest... don't go commando.

What an attractive sweater vest!!!

So in overview... remember: No blobs, no painted on sweaters, and mostly be smart when you're picking out your sweater for the day!

 "The sweater vest is the sophisticated version of the wife beater."-Lt. Grunge
"'My Mom made it for me' Is not a valid excuse for a oversized sweater"- Chief Glamzilla
"I look at oversized sweaters and say... I wonder how many sheep it took to make that thing?"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down- keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Lt. Grunge, Chief Glamzilla, Srgt. McDiscopants