Don't Scoff at the Scarf.

There comes a time in everyones life when they need the talk... you know which one we're talking about. It's vitally important. And we as your Fashion Police have decided it's high time you as our readers hear it. Honestly we don't know how you made it to college without hearing it. By this point we're sure you've made many a mistake, and hopefully this post will help you rectify some of them. We are, of course, talking about scarfs and the famous scarf talk. Why? What did you think we were talking about? Boys? Boys wear scarfs too! Also, we are apparently helpless on the boy situation, so taking any advice from us would probably result in a lifetime full of disaster dates. And getting your kicks watching amature but attractive men play volleyball. Apparently we need to stick to the weight room. We get much better results...
Anyway. Back to the scarf talk. We're going to educate you on the finer points of scarf wearing. Here are some of our most cherished tips.
First, not all scarfs are created equal.
Yes. Different weaves are for different seasons. This means, when it is 105 degrees outside, don't wear your flannel scarf. Unless that's all your planning on wearing. Then you shouldn't go outside at all. Also you and the fashion police should probably sit down and have a little chat about what happens when you go around nude. Bad things friends... bad things.... Of course. We're not talking from experience here.... *cough* Glamzilla *cough*. We're just all knowing. ( Of course. Thats the only way anyone gets on the internet these days, right?) We're kinda like God. Only for Cedar City. And fashion. And we don't like make planets and universes in seven days. And for all you Atheists out there, just think of us as the flying spaghetti monster for fashion advice.




Imagine this... except times three. And we've covered our meatballs.


Back to the first rule. The lighter scarfs, are for summer days and that's when you should wear them. Just go by this rule: if your face looks like a tomato, you've  sweated out most of your body weight and you get light headed as you walk up the stairs as the centrum, maybe you should go with a lighter scarf... and save that one for winter.
 The second piece of advice we have for you about scarfs is how to tie your wonderful, appropriate, accessory.
For men, there are three ways you can tie your scarf. The first way is the easiest. This is for all you lazy men. You simply drape it around your shoulders. Then you need to make sure that your scarf doesn't out-proportion your face. You don't want to look like you have shoulder pads. Mostly because football season is almost over... and football players don't actually wear scarfs. That would be a huge disadvantage on the field!
The second is the v throw. This also doesn't require any tying. Also, for you hipsters out there, this provides a quick and easy v-neck... without having to cut your shirt. Which has happened before.
The third way is just looping it once in front of your chest. Too many loops and you look like you've been making a noose and you forgot to take it off before going to class. You are not in the boy scouts anymore. It doesn't matter how many knots you know how to tie, we promise you won't get any merit badges for it.

"Hey George! Why are we parading all these knotted ropes around?"
"Cuz girls love my knot tying skills... this should get us some luck.. Right?"

For women ... you can tie your scarf many different ways. Let's start basic. DON'T under any circumstances, tie your scarf in a bow. No. NO. You are not from the 1700's, and not a man. So don't even think about it. It's not cute, or fashionable. So don't do it. Also, don't wear your scarf as a shirt. It's not a shirt, its a scarf. It's an accessory. It should accentuate your shirt. Or provide color. Not be all you're wearing. Also, don't wrap your scarf around your neck too many times. We at the fashion police don't want to see any homemade turtle necks. Because really, you shouldn't be wearing turtlenecks and scarfs at the same time. In fact we would have to rename the turtle neck to the elephant neck. And we don't want that. And you don't either, so don't do it.

It's like this. But less cute. Actually without the adorable stuffed elephants as well. So in fact, it's nothing like this. It's too gruesome to put a picture up. You can thank us later.

Our final rule is fairly simple. There are different cuts of scarf. There are square scarfs which go better in a v shape around your neck. There are straight scarfs which look better draped or knotted. And there are triangle scarfs which also are good for a v shape, or you can wear it backwards and be little red riding hood. But we wouldn't really reccomend this. We're just saying you could if you wanted to, and had nothing else to do.
So here are our amazing bits of advice from your all powerful, all knowing, all spaghetti sauce Fashion Police. Treat them with care. Read them daily. Always remember to respect the scarf. And us of course. We accept respect in many forms. LIke money. And dates.
Until next time... ramen. (That's how us spaghetti monsters say amen.)

"Too bad... when I was ready to tie the knot, George wasn't. Now all that's left is a pile of meaningless knots."- Chief Glamzilla
"Scarfs are a good way to hide hickeys."- Lt. Grunge
"Lt. Grunge.... how do you know that?! Do we need to have another important talk? No not the scarf talk. The other talk...?"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-
Chief Glamzilla
Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants

Polka Don'ts!

As we were doing our weekly "research" on what's up and coming for fashion trends this fall, and of course stalking all of you on Facebook (It's because we CARE okay!? And if you're not our friend anymore obviously it's because you're not up to par with our expectations. Luckily, we have pretty low expectations. So that's why we've attempted to add pretty much everyone we can. Also because we wish there were a male fashion police. We are STILL taking applications.) we stumbled across polka dots. We, being the scholarly policewomen we are, wanted to research further, so we hopped on the earliest flight from the Cedar City airport.We actually weren't even sure where we were going, we just knew it was somewhere in Europe. (Also don't try this at home kids. And don't try to see where we went. Because it might become extremely apparent that we're making this whole story up and got all of our information on Wikipedia. But you don't know that. We have proof we went on this trip. PROOF we tell you!)  So, as we flew across the Alps our plane started to crash. Which was probably due to engine failure. Or the fact that we told the pilot that we wanted to go to Boston and he didn't have enough fuel. Either one. Anyways the point is we crashed. It doesn't matter why. We landed in the mountains, which we assumed were the Alps, (Because those are mountains in Europe, right?) but we became a bit doubtful that we were in Europe when we happened upon a pack of crazed mountain lions (You're welcome Timothy) that we had to fight off with our bare hands... and machine guns.

 Which we consider to be our hands.

 

After the mountain lions were annihilated, we continued onward on our quest to find polka dots. When lo and behold, what did we find? A polka dancer! Which puts us back in Europe right? We thought so too. Anyways the polka dancer was close but no cigar. He would have helped us... but he had other things to do. Apparently.

I'm auf to Frankfurt. For ze  vorld famous fashion veek. You'll see me on ze runway. 

So we were on our own. So far our treasure quest for polka dots had given us little more than a few cougar pelts to add to our growing collection in our apartment. So we decided to use our expert stalking skills... we mean fashion police skills, to follow the polka dancer, who happened to be named Dan, to his fashion shoot. Here we found that the fashion of polka dots, actually came from the dance! Mostly because people started wearing the fashion around the same time the dance started to become popular, and apparently Bohemian fashion experts had little to no creative ability. If we were them we would call them something better. Like super spots! Actually the more we think about this, we can't think of a creative name for them either. So we guess the best way to name the craze was to take the easy way out and name it after your favorite dance move.

We can do it too! See? Those are Dougie Petals! HA.

After watching Dan's sexy fashion show, we realized that polka dots are going to be "popping up" in trends this fall. Because if it's in Frankfurt's fashion veek, it's going to be everyvere! (Just so you know...Ve are writing all of this talking this in German accents... because it iz uuber fun!) So ve decided to make some rules about polka dotting yourself.
Let's first talk about ze sizes. Ve like to say here at fashion police size matters. In fact we've said that many times. And think it many more.  (Obviously about food proportions. What else would we be thinking it about? Really? You're disgusting...) The larger the area the polka dots cover, the smaller the dots should be. So on a dress, your polka dots should be around quarter size or smaller. The problem we've found with bigger polka dots is you end up with lopsided boob dots. Or butt dots. It's also extremely distracting for the eye. And your eye does not like to be distracted. Unless your looking at an attractive man. Then your eye is pleased as punch if it's distracted. At least ours are. The only things that are allowed to have big polka dots are things that are not on your body. Like scarfs, or handbags, or in our case, men. But we don't have any....
Anyways. The second thing is color combinations of polka dots. No black and brown. No loud colors because they're very distracting, unless the polka dots are very small. We can promise you don't want a shirt that has a bunch of hot pink, yellow, orange and lime green polka dots, unless you want to be your own neon disco party. In that case, rock on man.... just be aware of the repercussions...

He will follow you everywhere.... and He's not Jesus, man...

As with everything, polka dots are best with moderation. If you want to wear a lot of polka dots, make sure they're small, and not on every article of clothing you own. If you want to wear some polka dots then they can be bigger. And now, we bid you farewell. We're off to hang with Polka Dan. Auf wiedersehen!

"When it comes to naming new fashions, I'm partial to the 'Dougie Drop' it just has more of a ring to it!"- Chief Glamzilla
"Just make sure you don't look like a walking target."- Lt. Grunge
"I think my favorite fashion accessory this fall will be the polka boob."- Srgt. McDiscopants
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

How Life Would be Better... With a Little Feather.

Welcome back T-Birds! We're so happy to have you join us for another year of edjumacation! And with that new year, you can bet your new Chanel shades that we're going to be here to critque, and commentate your fashion. And creep on men at the gym... and elsewhere. We don't distcrimi-date here at the Fashion Police. We're also not excercists. Which means when we go to the gym we don't usually do anything excercisey there. Unless hyperventaliating at the glass windows counts. In that case we could probably be registered teachers here at the university for excercise science. But for now, we're just going to stick to fashion.
Anyways. We're glad to see you've all landed here at SUU safely.

We just landed, and boy are our arms tired! (Bad dum dum chuu!)

Apparently from your flight you've yet to molt all of your feathers from your hair. Don't worry! You freshmen might molt a little bit slower than everyone else, but you'll catch up soon! We can help you out though! Just give us a second here... we'll pull that out for you...


Oh. Oh dear. You meant to put that there. We are so sorry!

 Now that we realize this is intentional, (Disclaimer: that was a joke. We didn't actually go around trying to pull people's hair extentions out. Well. Only for the first day.(Another disclaimer: JOKE.)) we're here to lay some ground rules on appropriate plumage. Also, the disclaimers are here for those of you who lost your funny bone over the summer.

But we found that Humerus! Hahaha!

We promise we haven't resorted to cheap tricks and gags to keep our posts chock full of hillarity.

CHALK! HAHA!  Okay. We'll stop now. We promise.

Okay. Enough with the fluff! On with the stuff!  Anyways. The rules are pretty simple. In fact there are only two. The first one is: Size does matter.

"Everything everyone told me is a lie!"

We think that feathers are cute. They add a extra dimension and pizzaz to your hairstyle. The problem we've found is that some of you have added a feather that is not only adding dimension, but going into the second dimension. Quick rule of thumb: the feather shouldn't be larger than a pencil width wise,  and should most definitely not be wider than your head. Length wise, it should be about the same length as your hair. If you're outgoing and want to leave it a little longer it's cute but just don't go over board. We don't want anyone flying away... or having a rat tail of a feather. That would be nasty.
Second rule is use feathers in moderation. First of all don't spend a ton of money. Your fake hair should cost less than the costs of your text books. If it doesn't and you have that kind of money around, you should just buy our text books. Just shoot us an email and we'll be happy to provide our information for you...
Also, you look really silly when your hair is outnumber by feathers. But if you feel like you can pull it off, don't blame us when adventurous bird watchers start following you around with binocculars, and try to tag your wings... er... hair... and submit you as a new species they've discovered.
Keep it classy Cedar City. Don't go "Coo- Coo" for all those feathers.

"Don't get your feathers in a ruff!" - Chief Glamzilla
"Apparently bird flu fear has died down..."- Lt. Grunge
"If you find you have too many feathers, you can always donate to... FLOCKS of Love! Haha... okay. Really. I'm done now."- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Chief Glamzilla
Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Your Cedar City Fashion Police

If you're a hipster, you won't be reading this. But if you are it's purely ironic.

You may have noticed a new breed of humans have been discovered. They've always been there...hiding... lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the most ironic time to appear. But only the current cultural climate has been beneficial to their unique life styles. You may call them Hipsters. But they call themselves individuals. And with this individualistic life comes a very individualistic style. However it is not as individualized as these hipsters think, since they all tend to dress alike and, well, are hipsters. However, they will never argue this point with you, because they will never admit to being a hipster. We have to give props to these hipsters who refuse to be hipsters, even though there is really no other way to define them. They have awesome style. And if we were hipsters, which we are not unfortunately, we would be the most fashionable hipsters there were. But we wouldn't brag about it, because we were hipsters, and therefore, not hipsters.

Now the real issue is, the wanna-be hipsters. First of all....


you look ridiculous.
Second, because you are trying to copy the hipster style and be a hipster, you are not one. Hipsters are born, not made. 

Baby, I was born this way. But that's not a Lady Gaga reference. You just wouldn't understand.

We first want to talk about the ridiculously over sized glasses. These are such things.  These are the glasses that your parents wore and hated every minute of them. However, now they are being worn ironically. Except for the wanna be hipsters. Who think that these glasses are not ironic, but actually cool. And this is where we start to have some issues with the wanna be hipster fashion.

If you are wearing these to be cute, we're guessing you're not a hipster.

Another big problem the Fashion Police has spotted, is that of floral prints. Now, floral prints are in fashion right now. And most people can pull off the look of small floral prints. But some people refuse to just stick with the small print. Apparently they feel the need to dress up like their great grandma's curtains and walk around. Although hipsters can pull this look off, it's simply because they wear the clothes ironically. But most of the people we see walking around campus with gargantuan floraled  prints all over their bodies are not wearing them ironically. We can tell, you see, because they don't have the air of scorn and utter disregard for those who just wouldn't understand. So if you walk out of your house thinking you look cute in your gigantic chrysanthemum shirt, you probably should turn around, walk right back through that door and put something else on. LIke a good neighbor, Fashion Police is there. And really we will be there. Even if you don't want us to. We will sit on your door step and tell you to turn around and just put that thing back where it came from or so help me... us... whatever, we're trying to reference something. You wouldn't understand.

See? Even she has enough sense to not wear a floral shirt. Of course she's not wearing any shirt. But disregard that fact.

Lastly, we are going to compare hipsters with bacteria. This is your lesson of biology for the day. If you choose to you can count it as your studying for you final as well. Except it doesn't count for English, only science classes. Okay. Like bacteria, hipters need a certain environment for optimal growth and viability. Bacteria like to grow in warm, moist places. Hipsters fare best in ....New York. Last time we checked, Cedar City is nothing like New York. But I've heard Salt Lake looks a lot like Washington D.C. ... except it doesn't. So maybe they don't grow well there either. Anyways. If you are a hipster, here in Cedar City, way to be. If you think you are a hipster, here, in Cedar City. You are not. So stop wearing the ugly shirts, the suspenders and your mom's old glasses. You'll just never understand.... the ways of the Hipster.

"If you try to be a hipster, you're a total frado. And that is so not deck."- Lt. Grunge
"Next time I see a pair of suspenders on a Hipster-scum, I'm going to snap them so hard their oversized tortoiseshell glasses fall off."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"You know you're a hipster if, after reading this post, you sigh and say 'You just don't understand!" " -Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Cheif Glamzilla

Doctor Doctor! Tell Me the News! Why are these Men all Dressing Like "Foos"?!

Dear men. There are two classes of drag queens. There are those who know that they are one, and who proudly flaunt that fact. And there are those who don't know they are. As much we love the first group of drag queens, this post is directed to the second group. We would say "you know who you are". But truthfully you don't. 
We're going to help you diagnose yourself if you happen to have the cronic disease of pseudodragqueenosis. You won't realize that you have this disease until we start laying out the symptoms for you. So you might sit down and take a deep breath, just in case you have it.

The first symptom of pseudodragqueenosis is that you feel absolutely nothing like a drag queen. You in fact, may feel like you are a "gangsta" and walk around with your "swagga on" and be yellin to all yo homies "what up home slice!?" while you wave that pimp hand around.

This is the priliminary stage of the disease...

The second symptom is that you seem to believe that every increase in the size of your clothing gives you more street cred. So at the large size of shirt you're only a street noobie. But with the XXXL shirt you transform into a "mod". Also, we learned all of these gamer terms from playing Call of Duty. Be proud. We thought it would help in man department, because apparently the gym rats aren't affected by our copious amounts of glamour we displayed outside of the workout room. So naturally we decided to go online... behind the screens. They can tell how fashionable we are by our stunning avatar apparel. Unfortunately most of the "men" online are twelve years old, and here at the fashion police we frown upon statutory rape. So tune in for our continuing coverage of our romantic escapades... or lack thereof.

anyways...

back to the second symptom....

The macho clothing, and extremely long shirts have been named by yours truly as the "mess". This is also known as... the Man-dress. We like to use mess for short because 1. you look like a mess... and 2. well... you look like you're wearing an extremely ugly dress, that does not help your figure at all...

but if you did wear a belt.... you could totally bring out that waist....

The final symptom of pseudodragqueeniosis is as follows. You being to participate in what we commonly refer to as the "backward hitch." This requires you to jump, while pulling the back of your pants up to a more comfortable level. Generally this takes a lot of effort and skill, so we commend you in learning the technique. Maybe you could try out for the track and field team, since your calf muscles are oh so wonderfully toned from all that jumping. Not that we can see them through your baggy pants. And the fact that you happen to be in a dress. Oh... excuse us. We mean mess.

If you find you have these three symptoms, you may have pseudodragqueenosis. Which means that to you, you look like you're a gangsta. But to the rest of us who know better, you look like you're wearing a dress, and just don't know how to accesorize. You also look like you've shrunk (which we don't think is any man's desire.) because your "dress/mess" cuts you off at such a weird place on your legs. The horrible disease is, in fact, turning you into a stumpy version of what you once were. So please if you find you have pseudodragqueenosis, contract your nearest store... to buy different clothes, so you don't look like a foolish poser.

Thank you for you time. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friendly neighborhood Fashion Police.

"You'll be amazed at how much your swagga will improve when your clothes actually fit!"- Chief Glamzilla
"The best way to prevent pseudodragqueenosis is abstinence. Abstinence from buying horribly deformed oversized clothing."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"I'm starting a new charity. It's called the Wangsta Fund. Together we can combat this horrible disease. Together we can win... If you wish to make a donation please contact us on our Facebook page. Any little bit helps."- Lt. Grunge

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not!-

Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants
Lt. Grunge

Orange... orange... nothing rhymes with orange...

Spring has sprung. The grass has risen. The snow melted... then it snowed again. Then it melted again. Then it snowed again... and then it rained that one day for awhile but now the sun is out! Hooray! and with this glorious sun all of the people around campus have been bringing out their shorts and t shirts.  As we were walking around campus we decided we might need to take our sunglasses out of hibernation, simply because we were blinded by the sun reflecting off the white skin of everyone. We're surprised some of you don't glow in the dark ( actually we're pretty sure Srgt. McDiscopants does.) We see that some of you have taken the matter into your own hands and run straight for the tanning booths. And some of you, sadly, look like you ran past the tanning booths and into Loompaland... and you've come back looking something like this:

Oh no! Theres millions of them! We're being infested! It must be spring...

First off we appreciate that you're not damaging yourself by tanning in tanning beds, or tanning outside. Now, when you die of cancer it won't be skin cancer from all the UV rays you've soaked up from the sun, it will be from all the toxins you've inhaled whilst using the spray on tan booth.  However... it does not look natural. You may be darker, but you appear to look like a rather crisped carrot. Which last time we checked was not attractive to anyone, rabbits or otherwise.

Girl, you lookin' so fine!

Now, we must say that the spray on tan, when used in moderation is okay! There are also lotions that you can use that gradually make your skin darker, and you don't become a bright orange. But when we go into our class for the day and we think our vision has turned sepia tone when we look at you, you know that you've been frequenting the Palm Beach Tan too often. Also, if you're going to use the lotion, please make sure you're not using it on only one part of your body. If you have super dark forearms and the rest of your body happens to be a stark white, we can only assume that you're using the lotion wrong or have been working on the farm a little too much. But generally your farmers tan isn't supposed to be orange... so we'll go with the first option. It's also not attractive to have orange hand prints all the way down the backs of your legs because you forgot about them. It makes you look like you've been slapped in the calves by leprechaun sized people with cheeto dust on their hands...

mmm... cheetos sound good.


Anyways! We understand that you want darker skin. But everybodies whiter this time of year, so you're not standing out. The only time you are standing out is when you're orange in a sea of white. So patience young padwan. Good things come to those who wait... or who are black.
"You've been tangoed!" Lt. Grunge
"As the whitest member of the Fashion Police, I understand your pain. However at least you'll become darker at some point in the summer... I just stay exactly the same shade. Perhaps I'm part albino..."- Srgt. McDiscopants
"You never hear anyone singing about orange women... it's just 'black white yellow or brown chicks'" -Chief Glamzilla

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not!-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Chief Glamzilla

Mustache March!

In a world... where faces were bare, Magnum P.I. had no glory upon his upper lip, Hitler was just another man and the only handlebars Hulk Holgan had were on his motorcycle the people cried for a hero....
and one stepped forward.

Enter... the Mustachio.

It was glorious, joyful, rockin', epic and caused twenty percent more whiplash in the world because of all the double takes people kept having to do to see the awesomeness eminating from the upper lips of men everywhere.

If you couldn't tell we love mustaches. So much. So in celebration of Mustache March we're going to tell you a variety of mustaches you could be wearing this season. (Let us remind you that could be and should be are two very different things...) Here are some of our personal favorites.

The Handlebar

The handlebar mustache is a good go to if you're thinking of growing an elaborate mustache. It's not too extreme, but there are some excentricities that go along with this style. No one will question your authority with this mustache. Obviously this man's mustache is a bit more extravagant than others we have seen, but why not? He's earned it obviously...
Some of the perks of having the handlebar mustache, are you can tickle your kissing partners nose... and if things start getting a bit more extreme they'll have something to hold onto. How considerate of you. You are truly a ladies man.

The Walrus

This mustache combines the beauty and grace of a walrus... as it is thus named. With this style you have the ability to completely cover your lips. Which means you can speak without having your lips read. Which would make you an absolutely wonderful spy... or ventriliquist. However, we're not sure if it would make you very inconspicous. Thus your glorious and long reigning spy career is short lived after you are shot in five minutes on the job.  But you'd leave a darn good lookin' body with that mustache attached. Maybe you could donate it to those who are less fortunate than yourself... like Uncle Bob who's had a combover since he was thirty.  
The Mexi-Stache

This mustache style is for those poor souls who have the desire to grow a mustache but lack the ability. It may be because of lack of manly hormones or perhaps they just aren't worthy of the glory of full mustache capabilities. Either way, if you choose to grow this mustache you will be doomed to nicknames such as Pedro, Fence jumper, and Hypogonadist. (if you don't know what that means, it's okay. Come to our biology class with us. Except our professor can only say "boy parts" and "girl parts" so you'd probably be just as well looking it up on wikipedia.)

The Molestache

This is by far our most favorite mustache style in the world. And if you don't know what this picture is from then we are so so so sorry. You must have a horrible life. Here we'll make it better. Click this and all of your worldly problems will disapear.
Anyways. Back to the mustache at hand, this is also known as the pedophile mustache, for obvious reasons. It's the kind of mustache your creepy seventh grade woodshop teacher had. He would hide in the back of the classroom... and we all know the real reason he was there to teach children. And it wasn't because he liked educating children. He just liked the children part of that equation. Also, we'd like to point out that poor BYU students who have to wear their mustaches to the corners of their lips end up looking a lot like this. We don't think that's what their honor code had in mind when they implented it... a bunch of young adult men running around looking like potential sex offenders. We believe that gives the wrong impression entirely. Aren't you glad we live in a free society? Your pedophile can be as long as you wish! HOORAY!

The Villanous stache

WARNING: If you see this mustache on any man, run away quickly, and do NOT meet him at any train tracks! Also, do not kiss him... well... because he's a cartoon. But generally this mustache is evil and shouldn't be taken lightly. We have our theories that the mustache itself is evil, so if a man were to grow one, the mustache would begin to control him and our safe lifes in Cedar City Utah would forever be changed. No longer would rail road crossings be safe! No more could we walk the aisles of Walmart alone... and we will never give up that right. So please use caution and razors when dealing with this particular stache.

"Together we can bring mutton chops back!!!"- Lt. Grunge
"If only I had a man with handlebars...." -Chief Glamzilla
"As the only member of the fashion police who's kissed a man with glorious fuzz atop his lip, all I have to say is if you're going to grow it... put those peaches to shame!"- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-


Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants

I Like Big Belts and I Cannot Lie!

Batman has his for utilities...
It keeps your sword handy...
You can spank children with them.... or your significant other...
You can make yourself have a waist...
Pilgrims wore them on their hats... so their brims wouldn't fall down...
Would you like to phone a friend? Ask the audience? Quick you only have thirty seconds!
3...2...1... is that your final answer?
What is belts? CORRECT!
Yes, we're very aware that that was the worst combination of all of the game shows we could possibly think of. But our point is belts.
Belts. They've been around forever. However in this new modern age that we're all living in, belts have function as well as fashion. Which is why we're writng a post about it. Obviously.
One of the best fashion with belts right now is the waist belt. However many people seem to be misusing this fashion. The point of this belt is to emphasize your waist. Not give you one. Or emphasize your fat. So if you're struggling to breath, it's advisable to go up a notch. Unless you're trying to have brain damage from lack of oxygen. Also we should mention that corsets are no longer in style. So stop trying to make your belt into one.

He takes my breath away every time I see him.... the jerk! like I can breathe in this thing!!!

Next we just need to explain about waists because some of you have apparently misplaced yours. FAIL. Waists are where you bend, when your bending sideways. Surprise! It's not directly under your boobs! WEIRD!!! You are not wearing a boob belt! Boob belts will never EVER be in style unless our boobs mutate into something that just can't be contained. Which they already kinda have... but that's what a BRA is for. NO BOOB BELTS. If you feel like you need the added support of a boob belt, maybe you should invest in some better bras. Or perhaps wear two... or three at a time.

Now it wouldn't be an original fashion police post if we didn't talk about both boobs.... and butts! WHOO! We hate butt belts. Belts worn on your hips are made to hold your pants up. There is absolutely no point if you have a belt on your butt. Unless your cheeks are sagging. In that case, you should see your local gym at the most convient time possible. And we know there's one here... we've been there a couple times... just checking out the place... you know. Looking at the equipment and such. Were there extremely attractive, shirtless men with rippling muscles upon these machines at the time? You'll find out in our upcoming book!

Coming to a store near you!

If you wear a belt around your butt, it's only going to emphaize your rear end. Which isn't a good thing. If you're going to wear a belt actually on your pants, make sure it's on these little inventions called the belt loops. Why are they called that? Because your belt loops through them. AMAZING. Also, your belt doesn't have to be as tight as it can possibly go. It just needs to keep your pants up. You don't want those muffins looking too well done. Also, if you have pants that are WAY too big, you need to wear a belt! Think of all the people in Africa who don't have belts. Well some of them don't have pants either... but that's not the point! Too many tragedies have occured from lack of belts.


This could have been avoided if they had just worn a belt! If only!!!

"Hey look at that! I found my waist!"- Chief Glamzilla
"When you go stargazing don't wear a belt... it will be harder to find the moon." -Lt. Grunge
"The only time it's appropriate to wear a boob belt is if you're me. Then it's always appropriate." -Srgt. McDiscopants



-Don't let us down! Keep your PANTS on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDiscopants
Chief Glamzilla

Thou Shalt Not Worship Woven Images

There are certain articles of clothing that we all have that tend to become our favorites. In face they become almost sacred to us... and in turn become quite holy. But how holy is too holey? There comes a point in time when you just have to get rid of that holey peice of clothing... mainly when it's just strings holding together the resemblance of a shirt. We're hear to teach you the Ten Commandments of when to throw your "holy" clothes away. So start saying your Hail Marys and repent for your fashion sins, because we're here to enlighten you.

I. Thou shalt not worship thy clothes

We as your T-Bird Fashion Police love clothes. They are very nice. They keep us covered. And we can be stylish. However. There is a huge difference between loving our clothes and refusing to stop wearing that "in style" shirt your great Aunt Martha gave to you on your seventh birthday.

See? It still fits!!!!

II. Thou shalt not wear more than six patches on thy pants.
This is kinda self explanatory. But if you have more patches than denim, it's probably time to buy a new pair. Although it probably makes them look pretty legit. If so, you should keep them around to put on and admire yourself in the mirror when nobody else is home.

If Dr. Frankenstien had been a tailor...

III. Thou shalt not purposely create holes in good clothing.
We know that holes are "in style" right now. They're totally hobo chic! But there's a difference in buying messed up clothes and attempting to create them. You know you can't create wear and tear like the department stores can... that would be too ironic! So if you happen to go buy a pair of good jeans or a nice sweat shirt, we beg you please please please back away from the clothes and put the scissors down.

Put them down Judy! It's not worth it! It's fashion suicide!

IV.Thou shalt not wear holey shoes.
Holey Shoes won't allow you to walk on water. Or anywhere else for that matter. When we see men and women with their souls/soles beared to the world we don't feel any sense of devine. In fact it makes us want to tackle them and take their shoes to the hell fire so they can be burned. When you find yourself with large holes, or flapping soles make your way to the nearest DI and pick yourself out a pair of "new" tennies. Because they're (sadly) in better shape than yours.

See? His shoes aren't holey. Wait. He's not wearing any! I think we figured it out after all these years! Quick! To the P.E. Building!

V. Thou shalt not use duct tape on cloth... or anything you wear.
Duct tape clothes are the coolest thing since the Ice Age. Duct taped clothes however... LAME. They probably should be burned. And we know what you're thinking about our last commandment. Don't even dare duct tape those holey shoes. It's an abomination! Just get yourself to the DI already!

Hallelujah! Bask in the Duct-Prom glory!

VI.Thou shalt NEVER wear holey tights.
This, is simply tacky and looks awful. The only reason anyone should ever wear holy tights is if you happen to be a zombie. Because then it's practically a job requirement that your tights are ripped. The rest of you have no excuse. No tights is better than runs!

Represent!

VII. Thou shalt not have holes in the crotch of thy pants.
This is unacceptable. Just because your legs are crossed does not mean the hole disappears. Can you walk with your legs crossed? No? Surprising! And guess what that means? That hole can still be seen. And it's gross.

VIII. Thou shalt not expose thy underclothing because of thy holey overclothing

If you would like us to see your underwear then here's a suggestion: Take out the middle man and simply wear only your underwear! Wait. You don't like us seeing that? Well neither do we. So we'd really appreciate it if you didn't happen to have your pink frilly boy shorts showing in the hole of your butt pocket. Either cover it up or throw them our and get a new pair! Same goes for your bra. Nobody likes it. Well. Maybe men do. But we don't and that's what matters. There's a reason there's no men on our Fashion Police Squad.

On second thought... we are accepting applications...

IX. Thou shalt accept responsibility for what those holes show unto the world.

Continuing from above, don't get offended if someone happens to mention those pink frilly underwear boy shorts.  We never want to hear a converstaion like this:

Boy: "I see London I see France...Is your underwear always that lacy?"

Girl: "*Gasp!* You pig! I can't believe you're looking at something that's in plain sight and commenting on it!!!"

No. Never. Sorry sister-friend. This time the reason that man's checking out your badonkadonk is all your fault.

  

Well I never! The nerve!

X. Thou shalt admit defeat.

 Clothes wear out. It happens. Maybe in your state of mourning, you could go buy new clothes. However, when your clothes time has come you need to give them up. We don't want to see any more of this pathetic clinging and carrying on with your beloved clothing. They are gone. Or should be.

"Thou Shalt Worship the Fashion Police. "- Chief Glamzilla

"The five steps of the grieving process apply to clothes as well. "- Lt. Grunge

"I'm also accepting applications for a new boyfriend... both positions can be filled by the same man."-Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Chief Glamzilla

Lt. Grunge

Srgt. McDiscopants

Liar Liar Thongs on Fire...

As the spring weather approaches, some of the animals outside begin to shed their winter coats. You may have started doing this as well! Your puffy winter coat may now reside in the back of your closet, as well as your boots, and long johns. Congrats! It's the annual awakening of the thongs out of hibernation. We have seen them peaking out of their little... ahem "caves" all over campus. Personally we're begging for five more weeks of winter... however that's probably not going to happen.

There are two purposes of wearing thongs. One is for your underwear lines to not be seen. The second is for your underwear to be seen. There are no other options. So if you choose to wear a thong in a cute outfit where you don't want your underwear lines to show then good for you! If you're choosing to wear a thong just to show off the fact that yes, in fact you indeed have a thong, then... this post is for you.

Yay! You have a thong!!!!

Thongs. What made someone go, "I think I want to cover myself, but also show that I have a nice rear end. I'd also enjoy the senstaion of constant wedgie. Yeah... That's for me! Why hasn't anyone made this?!"
Well honey buns let us fill you in. Thongs have been around long before you knew what they were, or realized you enjoyed a piece of floss between your cheeks. Nope, not those cheeks... the other ones.  You might know thongs by their step father the loin cloth. Loin cloths you say? Yes. Loin cloths. Now when you think of Tarzan just picture him with a thong and you're almost there! Loin cloths were the predecessors of a thong. Ad yes, that means that to begin with mostly men wore them. Why did they need these thongs though? Why indeed!  The thong provided a much needed relief of the distraction that the males genetailia held over him and his companions.

What... what is that? It's amazing!!!

Even now, in the world mostly  men wear thongs. Women are a minority in the thong wearers. Most of these men who wear thongs are concentrated in indiginous tribes in South Africa. Interesting. You're sporting a primitives man's fashion. How does that make you feel? Fantastic? It should! Maybe you're slightly more aware of that string stuck between the crevice of your butt cheeks. Also, you should be aware that sumo wrestlers also sport this look. Now how do you feel? Though... to be fair their thongs have as much cloths as our underwear if not our whole outfit.
Now onto thongs and low rider pants. They were made for each other. They are the peanut butter and jelly of the fashion world. You can't have one without the other! And it's also very low cost... not the most expensive thing on the menu also just like pb&j. When you decide to wear a thong with your low rise pants, just ask yourself, are you wearing them so everyone can see your behind? Because it makes your butt look bigger. We all get an unobtrused view of your buttocks. And no offense, but we really don't want to see it. Or maybe you're wearing the combination so you can air out your behind? That's rather gross... and we don't want to think about it. Or is it because you want to immortalize that fateful day in Fourth Grade when the school bully gave you an atomic wedgie by the swings?

Forever... *Sigh* This is what love is...

Whatever your reasoning, we don't want to see it.

"Sumo wrestlers brought thongs envogue" - Lt. Grunge
"Girl I don't wanna see that thong th thong thong thong! Ps... if you don't know song I'm singing you're LAME." - Srgt. McDiscopants
"If the reason you're wearing a thong is to air out your butt please don't sit in front of me!" - Chief Glamzilla
-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not. -

Lt. Grunge
Srgt. McDisocpants
Chief Glamzilla

Dressing for Love... *Eyebrow Raise*

Valentines Day... a time to celebrate budding romances, future lovers and the death and decapitation of the man himself... St. Valentine! Ah! That makes us want some chocolate. While we personally think the tradition is rather silly  it's nice to give recognition to a man who was stoned and beaten and finally lost his head for trying to get men to commit.

St. Valentine... Where are you now?!

So it's no wonder why this is the most romantic holiday of the year. I mean really look contenders... Columbus Day? What did he do for us? The best present he  brought was syphillis. Hooray syphillis! As you all can probably tell we're rather cynical about the holiday... either that or none of us were able to bag us a Valentine. However we do recognize the fact that some of you choose to celebrate this holiday and we would like to educate you on the proper attire for your valentines date.

First off, wear something red. Not only because it's Valentines Day and you're celebrating all that carnage... we mean... love? All the hearts? Ahem. Anyways but because scientifically red is attactive to both men and women. For women it symbolizes power in a man. We see the red and think the man is successful. For men, a woman in red dates back to evolutionary times where there was a connection between the color and being fertile. So men see a woman in red and want to procreate. But this is all subconsiously of course... we know men never look at a woman and think those types of things. It's just weird. No man does that.

I look at you and think... 'Our babies would have a deverse genetic background.'

Next dress appropirately. This totally depends on where you're going. If he's taking you out to a nice dinner that doesn't mean you show up in a tandtop and you booty shorts. It also doesn't mean that you need to show up in the skankiest dress you have. And if he's taking you to go bowling, then you don't need a ball gown. Unless you're trying to prove he's cheap.

This is all I get? One pitcher of fruit punch? I deserve tater tots...

The last thing to remember when dressing for your valentines date is for the men. If you're planning on kissing your valentine's date make sure that your face is properly groomed. We promise that if you give her road rash on this special day your fate will be worse than the patron saint of christian marriage. You will be stoned. It might not be with actual stones... maybe with heels. Or chocolates. Or death glares. But we promise it will hurt.

So this Valentines, when you're practicing the most romantic holiday of the year, remember these tips. You don't want to lose your head!

"St.Valentine would be proud with what we've done with his name. My chocolate told me so."-Lt. Grunge

"My red lipstick makes my lips look extra fertile!"- Chief Glamzilla

"Personally I love this holiday. What's not to love about a man being beaten, stoned and decapitated? Romantic... really gets me going... probably my number one turn on."- Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you should take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge

Chief Glamzilla

Srgt. McDiscopants

Red Hairing

Once upon a time there was a man.  And this man had glorious hair. It was curly and brown and about to his shoulders. One day he and his glorious hair were in a line for lunch. “I have such glorious hair!” He stated happily. Right at that moment he felt a pinch upon his buttocks. Turing around swiftly, his hair whipping behind him, he confronted the perp. “ Whoa man…” The guy put his hands up in the air in the universal sign of ‘it wasn’t me’ “I thought you were a girl.”

Men. We appreciate your glorious hair. However when it is more glorious than ours, we have bit of a problem. Women should always look better than men. Always. For example: Prom. Wedding. Camping. Fishing. Morning. Night.  Childbirth. Especially Childbirth.  On the other hand, some of you are trying way too hard to look horrible. Or perhaps you just don’t realize that you have hair on your head. Perhaps you were bald until recently, and you walked through that gama radiation this morning and it stimulated your hair follicles.  For this post, if you couldn’t tell already, we have some specific complaints about hair.

First of all. The Faux Hawk European Mullet. Yes that is actually the name for it. If you are as cultured as we, you might know it as the “you got in the middle of two dueling barbers who couldn’t make up their minds”

 And they’re off, Fabio brings out the razor early, could that be a mistake that comes back to haunt him? Gustavo parries with a swift snip to the temple.

Pretty much this is a combination of three haircuts at the same time. We’re not quite sure if we’d consider the mullet a hair cut… it’s more the lack thereof but for this case we’re not picky. You have your very stylish faux hawk ( which we enjoy very much) but then the sides are shaved or buzzed and then it’s like you’ve forgotten that your hair continues on the back of your head. It’s still there even if you can’t see it. You don’t have to grow out your hair to prove you to yourself that you’re balding prematurely. That’s why they invented mirrors.  The only haircut worse than this one is the monk mullet. Luckily we haven’t seen that ever…

Praise the Lord!

Next is the rat tail. We are so sorry to bring this news to you, but the power of the force does not reside in the jedi braid. If it did then all the red necks would be all powerful, and that is simply something we could not afford. There is a reason that it’s called a rat tail. Are rat tails attractive? They’re essentially describing your hair as a scaly piece of skin upon a plague infested rodent. Yummy. That is sure to turn girls on.

Your hair reminds me of something...I can't quite put my finger on it...

Lastly long hair. Although we all love the rocker hair do, if you’re not a rocker you just can’t pull it off.  The Not everybody can be Justin Beiber. Sorry. When your hair is so long you have to flip your head every two seconds it does not make you look glamorous. It makes you look like you have tour rets. Which is a serious problem and not something to make fun of. So we don’t want to be blamed for laughing at you if that’s what you look like.  The don’t care attitude is in opposition with the long hair… they are dueling forces. Much like the sun and the moon. Or mountains and valley. Or vertical and horizontal. Jeans and Khakis. Salt and Pepper. Breakfast and dinner. And any other opposites you wish to add.

Science has brought us such marvelous inventions such as gel, mouuse and haircuts. Making yourself look presentable with nice normal hair cuts does not make you less of a man. So get out there and put your most stylish foot forward.

“The root of the word grooming is groom. If you want to be one, you have to practice personal hygiene.”- Lt. Grunge

“The only acceptable place for you to have longer hair than me is upon your legs.” – Srgt. McDiscopants

“Rawr! Down Simba… you aren’t going anywhere with your mane looking like that!”- Chief Glamzilla

“You’ll never be as hot as Obi Won, so don’t even try it.” – Our special helper for this post, Padwan Posh

-Don’t let us down. Keep your clothes on. Well decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Bling Bling... Your Accesories are Calling Us.

Humans are like birds. We peck at food and are attracted to shiny objects. However some of us are more attracted to shiny objects than others, and wear their whole collection of shiny objects around their necks and heads and feet and ankles and arms. Why do you do this? Is it a portable nest? Do you have to have the maxiumum shininess? Is to make up for the fact you don't have plumage? Are you trying to blind everyone in a  five mile radius? Perhaps it's a personal vendetta against people who can see. Or maybe you think that a man much like yourself will follow you around because of how sparkly you are?

Number One Turn On: Shininess

We all like to accesorize. But how much is a good amount, and how much is just plain mean to the rest of man kind? Don't get your feathers in a ruff, we're here to tell you! First off bracelets. If you sound like a walking jingle bell you might want to tone it down. Also, braclets draw attention to your stomach because that is where your hands lay, so the eye is drawn there. If you don't want to call attention to your mid section it's best to go without bracelets. Next is necklaces. If you're under the age of 60 two is more than enough. After 60 it's hard to remember just how many neckalces you've put on in the day, so we're forgiving. But under 60 you can count (we hope) and you can tell how much strain your muscles are getting by the amount of metal you're throwing on your neck.

You're halfway to here...

Next up is rings. You don't need one on every finger. We promise that it doesn't make your fingers look any cuter. It just makes you look indecisive. You should probably stick with two on each hand... it's more than enough.
Now men. We know you like to accesorize too. But necklaces? The only time this looks appropriate is when you're on the beach, with a golden body that's well chisled. Let us pause for effect. And daydreaming...

Yes.

"The only reason to wear a lot of jewelry, is the off chance that you find yourself in the Labryinth and you need to pay Hoggle to get you through it."- Lt. Grunge
"I like my men shiny... wait... just in shiny armor" -Chief Glamzilla
"With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes... she'll look like Lady Gaga wherever she goes." -Srgt. McDiscopants

-Don't let us down! Keep your clothes on! We'll decide if you need to take them off or not.-

Lt. Grunge
Chief Glamzilla
Srgt. McDiscopants